Erich von Stroheim: I thought I was dead.
Captive Wild Woman: You are! But that doesn't mean I can't hold an internal conversation with you. Especially about this timely issue.
EVS: OK. What is Bad Search? It sounds like a grade-Z RKO picture.
CWW: I'm glad you asked. Because the words: Captive, Wild and Woman are in my blog title, I tend to get a lot of search referrals that really don't belong here. For example, someone across the world is looking for "wild women with spread legs" and their search engine will bring up my site. Most likely this page here featuring Plan 9 From Outer Space star, Tor Johnson. There's other stuff on that page, but due to archival order, Tor Johnson is the first thing this Web user will most likely see.
EVS: Must be pretty shocking for him, assuming it's a man. Heh heh. I don't see what the problem is, personally.
CWW: Well, you're right. It's not a big deal, but much like Major Howard "Bunny" Colvin in season 3 of The Wire, I'd like to attempt to corral all these Bad Searches into one area: on this page. Are you familiar with HBO and The Wire?
EVS: The Wire is quite possibly the best drama ever produced by humankind. I only wish the show featured more men in uniform. You know how I feel about uniforms.
CWW: Yes. To elaborate, Major Colvin tried to round up the neighborhood drug dealers in his district and send them to an abandoned section of Balitimore, so the neighborhood could actually function and thrive without criminal activity. Not that these Bad Searches harbor criminal activity (although some are quite disturbing) but I'd just like to get them off the Tor Johnson archival page and redirect them here, where they belong: in Bad Search Amsterdam.
To that end, I'm going to feature some of these referrals in an attempt to "give the people what they want." The rest of you can go about your business on the Web.
EVS: What a world you live in. It's fantastical!
CWW: I can't deny that. Our first entry in Bad Search is Wild Women in Porn. I'm illustrating this with a freakingnews photoshop composite of an Elliot Spritzer Playboy Bunny. As you can see, it's quite wild.
EVS: He is a hypocrite, yes?
CWW: Sure. And almost too easy to make fun of. But he's my choice and if he could ever spend the day as a woman--think about how much he'd learn!
EVS: He'd probably just touch his breasts a lot.
CWW: Moving on: Wild Women Party Pics. Here's a photo for all you party fetishists.
EVS: Look at Elvis. How tragic. I would have loved to make a movie with him.
CWW: I would pay to see that. This next one is pretty creepy... Girl Captive In Bathroom.
EVS: That's too much, even for me.
CWW: This referral brought up my site because I have one photo of a bathroom from my San Francisco Armory Tour post, which also features you, by the way. I only include it here because I found a good image for it.
EVS: What is this? Some kind of nightmare?
CWW: I can't explain everything about the modern world, Erich.
EVS: But why are they all taking her picture? I don't understand.
CWW: Let's just say there's no one more captive to the concept of fame than Britney Spears. I don't mean to make fun. I wish her well. But her fame quotient is out of control, that's for sure.
EVS: I need a strong drink.
CWW: Moving on--Milk Woman Pic. This Milk Maid costume is currently out of stock, but you can still order the adult Swiss Miss costume.
EVS: Nice socks.
CWW: Erich, can you stop looking at her feet? Here's another one: Pregnant Wild Women. It's not nice to make fun of pregnant women. Being pregnant is hard. So just this one time.
EVS: I really could use that drink now. Wait, is that a tattoo peeking out of her brilliantly red panties? That is wild...
CWW: Well, things have changed since you walked the Earth.
EVS: Oh I don't know about that. You'd be surprised.
CWW: This next one really confused me. Sexy Matte Painting.
EVS: I love matte painting! But I rarely used it in my films. I would rather shoot on location. Damn the expense!
CWW: Yes, matte paintings are the backgrounds that make up the reality and fantasy of so many film settings. But sexy? Unless you find paintings of architecture and landscapes sexy. I don't quite get this request. I did find a "before and after" portrait from Photoshop Gurus' face makeover tutorial, and it does look like she's wearing a ton of matte make-up. That's as close as I could get for that one.
EVS: I like the "before" better. The "after" looks like a mannequin.
CWW: A sexy mannequin.
CWW: One more. I'm sure this will get a lot of hits.
EVS: I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to be dead.
CWW: Sorry Erich. Thanks for taking this journey to Bad Search Amsterdam with me. Here are some links that will hopefully remedy these bad searches. These are NOT safe for work. ADULTS ONLY. Potentially OFFENSIVE, but that's how it is in Bad Search Amsterdam. That is all.
Erich: Hmmm, maybe I won't leave quite yet...
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