Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Save the Economy: Go to the Mall

My parents were in town this week and it rained on the day we promised Jackson we'd take him miniature golfing. Luckily, the Vancouver Mall (otherwise known as Westfield, whose Web site makes the sassy claim: It's so you), has Glow Golf. This is an indoor miniature golf course, completely painted black with a day-glow under-the-sea motif. You have over 50 holes to golf, all with starfish, palm tree, volcanic rock, and mole-hill obstacles. There's even a psychedelic multi-colored windmill, though that's not very oceanic.

It looks like this (I'm borrowing these photos from another local blog because I didn't have the presence of mind to take my own photos--sorry, glow-golf is a little mind-blowing).

I know all parents think the world of their children but I'm not exaggerating when I say that Jackson is a miniature golf prodigy. He barely aims as he sets up his ball, yet it goes near or in the hole almost every time. He nearly beat his dad (who aims, extensively). Jackson has homing-pigeon instincts when it comes to glow-golf. I am very proud.

Because our economy is so in the toilet and it appears that our country, a former super-power, may I remind you, is about to go bankrupt, I thought I'd pitch in and put my Google AdSense cash back into the stream of currency that ebbs and flows all around us. What better place to do this than the mall? This blog is not earning money on any grand scale. In fact, if this blog were to be represented by a pop-culture icon, this McDonald's Happy Meal toy as spotted in the food court would do the job nicely:
Happy Meal MunchkinsI am a munchkin in the world of wizards (and witches). But if the digital bytes fail to, uh, byte, we're all going down. My 10,000+ hits (OK, some of them were by ME, I admit) and $12.96 in AdSense revenue is just as good as Perez Hilton's 10 gazillion hits and god knows how much ad loot. He's just going to spend it all on ugly, ill-fitting clothes, mark my words.

I, on the other hand, have more refined tastes. But not much money, so what can be bought with $12.96? Let's look through the lens of my camera-phone and find out! Note: my camera-phone is pretty good at taking photos--for a camera-phone. More and more, my instant photos remind me of pinhole-camera prints. That would make it a digital pinhole camera--the mind reels! But that IS the look. And it's SO me.

C'mon, let's ride to the mall! I'm buying! Fifty cents a ride.
No, we cannot afford to buy the toddler Vans. They're $25. Hipster baby-wear is always an oddity to me. There's nothing less hip than a baby. I mean that in a good way.
How about some satanic Halloween accoutrements? I'm sure there's something plastic and imported in here under $6.
How about a colorful, cheap wig? Wigs make life more fun, until the itching starts. Even a cheap wig is probably more than we want to spend. We're just wig window-shopping... Hello Evil Kitty!
Do you need a Lego representation of a murderous, sociopathic, movie-marketing toy? McDonald's has your back. $1.99.
I don't want these, but aren't they a strange phenomena? Big purses that look like little-girl purses. Seems like the cross-over between the sexing up of little girl clothes and the childing down of adult clothes makes for weird, unnatural marketing messages.
These are so serene, especially when you plug them in and flick the "on" switch. Undulating waves of light imitate the movement of garish water. If I owned a bar, I would line these up on one wall instead of having a TV. Then my patrons could drink, watch and meditate on all that is natural and artificial in our world.
The Vancouver Mall has a carousel, hiding in a darkened corner. It's a nice ride with a train ride behind it and lots of horse sculptures on display. You can have a dark little birthday party in there, kind of like being inside the world's largest basement rec room. $1.75 per ride.
My camera was struggling in the low light (and I'm too lazy to read the jumbo manual and figure out how to adjust for that). Here's some display animals for your scenic train ride.
An attempt to capture movement. WHOA! Not successful, but kind of arty, for a mall.
So what'd we spend? Did we make under $12.96? I think so. Unfortunately Google won't mail my check until I make $100, so we've got another year or so to actually buy anything. I'm sure the government bail-out will be under way by then and we can all rest easy, knowing our government is taking care of everything.

I'm going to have insomnia tonight--I can tell.

Things are looking up. The Bedazzler™ is back!

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