Why must modern Christmas music be so schmaltzy, dull, and excruciating? Who wants to shop for gifts with that awful music blaring away like a torture device? Retailers: I've actually run out your doors to avoid becoming mentally unbalanced by your noise pollution throughout the months of November and December, thus cutting my shopping experience short. That's right: less time in your stores leads to more merchandise left on your shelves.
I feel even more sorry for retail employees who have to listen to it for eight hours straight, standing the whole time. I've asked people how they get through their shifts and some have said, "What? Oh THAT. I just don't hear it after a while..." Sounds like you're half-dead to me. In this job market, if you're forced to listen to terrible music at work, you may find yourself thinking: well, I could quit and be sitting at home, listening to good music, for a long, long, long time.
If only it could sound like Nat King Cole crooning The Christmas Song, I would never complain, I swear. Here's some post-mid-century Christmas music I can live with.
Grace Jones makes a grand entrance to sing The Little Drummer Boy in 1988's "Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special"--as always, that's entertaining!
The Weather Girls - Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man This Christmas). The 80s really knew its pop Christmas music. For me, irony and camp make the genre much more bearable.
The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping. OK, more early 80s. But this time it's the shorter version of the song (originally clocked in at over five minutes--it's not THAT good) set to a house display of 30,000 LED and 400 strobe lights. More irony since the song is about a Christmas gone horribly awry while the house is cheerfully blinking away...
Wizzard - I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day. A crazed, early-70s pagan freak-out is certainly in keeping with the spirit of the season.
Peter Pringle plays Irving Berlin's White Christmas on the theremin. Awww--last year we had a white Christmas. Good Christmas music should remind you of good Christmases.