Six Million Dollar Man - The Return of Bigfoot

I have other, more ridiculous work I must attend to. I just thought I'd blow your mind with the conclusion of The Six Million Dollar Man "The Return of Bigfoot" episode. This one had it all: Bionic man and woman, running in incredible slo-mo action, Sasquatch (played by Ted Cassidy) under the control of John Saxon as "Nedlick" wearing a purple jumpsuit, an explosive volcano with hot, molten lava—oh, it's chock-full of surprises, people!

Unfortunately, I'm unable to embed this classic chunk of 70s television, so please click on the link above. You'll thank me.

I especially like the dramatic details, such as Sasquatch's home-perm hairstyle (his original Six Million Dollar Man appearance had a more frightening, unkempt appearance). Also the way Jamie Sommers—the bionic woman—adjusts her hair before racing toward the molten lava. Sandy Duncan's reliably perky line readings, perfectly in keeping with the dire end-of-the-world sci-fi action-adventure scenario. And of course Jamie's delightful send-off: And you! You get a big bionic hug!

Here's Steve Austin's first encounter with Bigfoot in "The Secret of Bigfoot," snappy dialogue and flanger sound-effects intact. Andre the Giant played Sasquatch in this episode and probably gave many kids nightmares for weeks afterward.

How I would have loved to have been a foley artist on this show. That's the crew member who add all the sound effects in post-production, in case you didn't know. Foley studios used to have crates full of percussion instruments, old junk, and homemade contraptions that made sounds like ticker-tape machines, jangling fire alarms, Model-T engines, or whatever was needed to complete a film.

Now most of it is on computer, of course, so it's not as wacky. But during this show's run, there were plenty of ol' fashioned crunchy, poppy, boomy, screechy sound effects that might have been honed from scratch. Put me in charge of the sound of Bigfoot's arm being ripped off! Here they went with an explosive BOOM!, but I would have added some seam-ripping noises in there. Subtle. That would have been my trademark—subtle.

"Star Wars" (and much more) sound master Ben Burtt demonstrates some classic analog sound effects that went into the making of "Forbidden Planet" on this Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences link. Click on the video of Ben in the right column of the page. If you ever have a chance to see Ben Burtt give a demonstration, go. He's funny and brilliant. His work on Wall-E is mind-boggling.

But the career of Ben Burtt is worlds away from The Six Million Dollar Man. Kind of like comparing the works of an Olympian God to that of a worker ant. The worker ant can crank it out to be sure, but he will not necessarily provide an awe-inspiring experience.

The Bionic Bigfoot doll was definitely cranked out by some worker ants. Where are the bionic wires and gears? A plastic disappointment. (As seen on the Rue Morgue site.) Terribly sorry to ramble on in this way. 70s television culture has that effect on me.

Did you know Jamie Somers had a bionic German Shepherd? I'm telling you, this series had it all.