Thursday, May 10, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice Hair Makeover Recap - Episode 12 - Blown Away

Celebrity Apprentice headquarters has officially acknowledged the fantastic array of hair in this season's cast and therefore commands the remaining celebrities to produce an "Elle" magazine print ad for the Chi Touch hairdryer. The surreal aspects of this show are pretty evident in my opening sentence here, I think you'll agree. The first touchscreen hairdryer (does it have GPS capabilities?) is sure to inspire the shrinking but well-coiffed teams, With only five celebrities left—it's like a late chapter in an Agatha Christie mystery—there is nowhere to run to; nowhere to hide. Arsenio Hall, Teresa Giudice and Aubrey O'Day round out team Forte, and Crying Lisa Lampanelli and Clay Aiken are what's left of team Unanimous.

The diminutive Farouk Shami, president of Farouk Systems (somehow connected to Chi Hair), is introduced wearing brilliantly red Chi cowboy boots. His toothy smile does not necessarily convey happiness but does signal that he is very taken with Aubrey. And who wouldn't be? In her tight leopard-print dress, she is channeling Cruella De Ville on safari. Their giggling and brazen flirtation is a scene from a David Lynch film and one of the reasons I keep watching this show.

The hairdryer is from Chi, so Aubrey immediately thinks of blissful chi yoga and wants to do a yoga-inspired photo layout. The industrial red, bold-fonted Chi products are anything but blissful looking but project manager Teresa nods her head several times and it's on. Model negotiation time: this consists of Teresa gaping as Lisa refuses to let her have the red-haired model she wants for no apparent reason other than to fuck with her head (with Clay laughing behind a door).

Lisa is Clay's project manager, but it's like they're both project managers and they get along well. Her concept is to focus on what's on the inside a girl, or a dryer, or something like that. Lisa refers to models in general as "whoh-ars," meaning whore, which is what she screamed at Arsenio never to call a woman when he was railing at Aubrey a few weeks back. Lisa is complex. Lisa says her models will be types (thankfully not whores), like a librarian or a tomboy or (pointing to the only black model in the room)...Lisa Bonet. This perplexes me, but I think she means a bohemian type. Lisa and substitute Lisa Bonet go shopping for clothes because neither Clay or Lisa know anything about fashion and they're hoping their model does. The resulting ad will prove otherwise but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Aubrey finagles her way into Teresa's shoot by offering to take over as the red-haired model that Teresa fought for so inefficiently. Teresa's fine with that. She's not so fine with Audrey's boobs hanging out during dress-up time. "Don't you have morals?" she asks the camera. Nope. Teresa likes photography and likes telling the models they look good. Arsenio is a photographer so he takes on the task of shooting the hairdryer hero shots. That's right—I know some terminology—I have mad skills.

Two of the models hold yoga poses while blowdrying their hair. Aubrey and the male model simply hold the dryers to their abundant hair. I don't get it, but it is a for a women's fashion magazine, so logic is not on the table. There's no ad copy other than the name of the company and the dryer. During the live presentation in front of a whispery, wisp of an Elle editor, smiling Farouk, and a Chi CEO, Teresa is nervous and can barely read her speech but Aubrey and Arsenio do a good job acting thrilled about a hairdryer. After Arsenio's imitation of a loud hairdrying session and conversation where no words can be heard, the Elle editor softly intones to the clients, "He's funny," Plus he has no hair. I would buy a hairdryer from Arsenio.

Clay and Lisa have a brochure-like ad with lots of copy. Their models are dressed in weird-colored, blocky, dated clothing. The librarian model is wearing glasses because what-the-hey, she's a librarian. The tomboy in her slouchy jeans and plaid shirt should have been called "the slob" or "the stay-at-home blogger." Lisa and Clay do a good job talking up their model-types idea. The clients like that the models are kind of like real people and that the ad actually describes what the product is and does. Although they find the ad dated looking, they give Lisa the win. Her charity, Gay Men's Health Crisis will get tens of thousands of dollars. Good deal.

Boardroom of predictability: everyone knows it's Teresa's turn to get the ax. She's a sweet lady, according to Arsenio, but she's worn out her welcome and with no special skills other than "being the opposite of slow," and "liking photography," she must go in a manner that Trump predicts will be "rather brutal." He is a man of few words but they tend to be well chosen. Teresa makes a show of trying to get Arsenio fired for not doing anything during the model shoot, but Arsenio gets her with the ol' "What is an F-stop, Teresa?" question. It's not too tough to stump Teresa. Her arguments consist of "I know you are but what am I?" thinking. Arsenio has charm on his side. Besides I like watching his friendship with Clay blossom. It's nice to see two people become good friends.

Since this episode is endless, let's pause for some celebrity hair...makeovers! Whee!

I'm sorry for yet another demented Aubrey O'Day portrait. I work from screen shots and she has a really mobile face. She looks all stretched out here—I have to draw what I see. I think Aubrey has the cojones to chop all her hair off and look as badass on the outside as she feels on the inside. 

I like Clay's permanent blow-dryer hair. It adds an air of whimsy and refers back to the 80s penchant for defying gravity without being too referential. Still, it would be fun to see him emulate a pomaded silent-screen idol, complete with pencil 'stache. 

Teresa's got soap-opera diva hair as befitting a Real Housewife, I suppose. There's so much of it, I had to use a really thick pen, or I would be drawing her hair all night. She needs a sense of lightness and fun, a la Pebbles. Cartoon glamor is always a treat.

Arsenio has no hair and doesn't really need any to look good. His jaunty hats are appreciated in a world of baseball caps and *shudder* indoor cowboy hat-wearing Celebrity Apprentice dudes.

Back to the boardroom: Teresa's fired and the final four whoop it up briefly until a call comes from Trump. Back to the boardroom they go, to be interviewed by last year's winner, country musician John Rich, and runner-up, actress Marlee Matlin. Trump will then fire two of the four and I can stop drawing all these people really soon.

I'm glad Marlee will be around—she's always good in everything she does. John Rich conducts his interviews while wearing a large black cowboy hat. That's really not necessary. I think he should be more secure in his country standing and take off the hat during business interviews. Plus it looks stupid. There's no sun in this meeting room that requires a large-brimmed shading device. Only the blinding glare of celebrity charisma.

Marlee and John have been closely watching the show because the celebrities get grilled. Marlee immediately wants to know if Aubrey is in it for the attention, rather than the charity. Ha ha! Good one, Marlee. She finds Clay very sweet. Arsenio is charming but the flip side is his temper and name-calling. Lisa talks a lot but has the tendency to let her emotions take over (well, she is Crying Lisa). John finds Aubrey bright but "green" (poison in reality-show talk). He can't tell if Clay is a leader or a follower since he only managed two challenges (I think the other celebrities could only manage three at most on this season—oh well). Arsenio doesn't look tired enough for this show, like he needs to work harder. Lisa looks plenty tired and is rambling. Trump frowns and thanks Marlee, her interpreter, and John who's still wearing that stupid hat.

Lisa is fired for being a crying pain in the ass, although she notes in the elevator of shame that she wasn't really called out for anything bad, just let go. And that's that. Because she tends to tell people they're stupid over and over again, in various insulting ways, none of which are ever funny—no makeover for her. I'm not even going to fix her f'd up hands here. Hands take time to draw and I'm not spending my precious valuable time resources on this self-promoter's waving appendages. I don't remember why she was waving her hands about this time around. Perhaps to tell us "Buh-bye."

Tune in next week to find out who else was fired. I honestly have no idea who it will be. Good work, sadistic editors.

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