Wednesday, July 22, 2015

2016 Republican Presidential Candidates Haiku

That's right! In honor of National Poetry Month (three months late)—GOP candidate haiku for 2016. After working on these 5-7-5 syllable poem-ets, I have to tell you—these are some scary mofos who hope to head the United States of America.

According to their almost universal policies, they would easily excel within any Taliban government. And given their druthers, teen-aged girls and full-grown women (including victims of rape and incest) should have babies—lots and lots of babies. That leaves these guys free to count their dirty, ill-gotten gun-lobby money while incarcerating as many poor addicts as possible, possibly murdering them with the death penalty whether they're guilty or not. Forget about healthcare, teeming masses—if you can't afford healthcare, that's just God's mandate. And are they pals with God! God is their great big buddy and right-hand man. I think that covers it.

Oh, and they'd really rather many of us not vote, so they can continue to power up their Fox News-generated political sideshow to stay in office as long as possible and feed off us like a bacterial infection.

Let's haiku:

Jeb Bush
No on abortion
Yes to the death penalty
Voting rights? Hah! lol

Chris Christie
Look into his eyes
The bullies from seventh grade
had more empathy

Ted Cruz
shuts down government
thinks climate change is a joke
morally bankrupt

Dr. Ben Carson
Believes health care law
is as bad as slavery
This man is confused

Donald Trump
Mr. pouty face
would-be supreme dictator
of major suckage

Carly Fiorina
My old HP boss!
a glorified P.R. hack
—so she qualifies

Mike Huckabee
Outlaw abortion
All human life is precious
Have a gun instead

Bobby Jindal
Paranoid zealot
drowning in a no-go-zone
of his withered mind

Rand Paul
fiscally conservative
tea party code words

Rick Perry
policy wanker
deep in the heart of Texas
a heart of darkness

Rick Santorum
Family values
don't include contraception
Google "Santorum"

Scott Walker
is lacking daughters
to undergo ultrasound
for their abortions

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