Crap for Christmas

Look everyone, let's just skip ahead to Christmas. Thanksgiving is a foregone conclusion at this point. Thanksgiving was last celebrated during its proper season, probably back in the early 90s. Since then, it gets glossed over between end-of-summer sale season, back-to-school fall specials, Halloween party essentials clearance racks, and wait, what was I saying? Oh, Thanksgiving. It involves food, and maybe a chafing dish and a table runner, so from a marketing standpoint--doesn't count for much.

You gotta get some crap for Christmas. Friends and family and the country's entire economic well-being are counting on you! Recession got you down? About to lose your job, your home? I'm sure there's something affordable you can buy for others--Jesus would want you to. I've scoured the capitalist globe looking for the ultimate in gift-giving items. Thanks to the entrepreneurial spirit, unwrapping presents on December 25th will be the ultimate in Christian celebratory values. Don't hesitate to run up the credit card. Within six months you'll be close to paying it off, just in time for next year's gift-giving seasonal rush!

Forever Lazy® is not only the greatest head-to-toe fleece zipper-wear available, it's also the best-named product on this list. Not just forever, not just lazy, but FOREVER LAZY. It encompasses everything we desire at this point in our nation's history. Toasty, shapeless, human beanbag-chair fashion. The zipper flap in the back is handy in case you manage to get up off your ass to relieve yourself. Otherwise--just go in the Forever Lazy®. It's completely machine-washable.




Are you ultra-modest and tired of showing your hands to an indifferent world? Perhaps Handerpants is the product for you. This commercial give YOU all the necessary info on underpants for your HANDS.




Remote-Control Zombie and Remote-Control Lederhosen. These would make a lovely centerpiece for your holiday dinner table. When conversation lulls or turns to uncomfortable topics like RELIGION, break these out. Sure to get a laugh. As in: Ha haaaaaah!




You have hair, birds have feathers--how to combine the two?! With Snap-On Feathers™, of course, you dope! Simply snap on Snap-On Feathers™ and you will instantly have feathers in your hair! Don't miss out on this hot new trend! At your next party, guys will be pummeling each other, tripping over the furniture, trying to get to you and your feathered hair. Goddammit. You think I'm making this up, but I am deadly serious.




Now that you've made your list, I'm going to provide you with the theme music from Magnum P.I. to get you in the mood for shopping mayhem! Shop Shop Shop! Don't stop! Don't think! And don't forget the Scotch® brand adhesive tape!




But wait, there's still Thanksgiving to get through. What are you going to wear? I need help to get myself together on this occasion--how about you? Perhaps this will help. Stick with it--good stuff.