When I was a young teen, my mother talked me into babysitting the neighborhood children. I don't know why. I wasn't eager to watch other people's kids, especially at age 13 when my authority quotient at bedtime was practically nil. My Mom enjoyed pushing me off the ledge of experience once in a while and then pointing out all my inevitable failures. It's a parenting style that's gone out of favor over the years, but it made me what I am today: grumpy, insecure.
The news that KISS® has their own slot machine brought back memories of babysitting an 8-year-old boy whose entire bedroom was decorated with KISS. KISS wallpaper, KISS posters, KISS furniture, KISS action figures, KISS alarm clock, KISS dishware, KISS clothing line. It was a KISS boy-cave and the first time I walked into it to tell him it was snack time, I had to take a step back and tell myself to breathe. Something about the face of larger-than-life-sized Gene Simmons, drooling blood from his lengthy forked tongue disturbed me. I was used to my little brother's room, decorated with race cars. I wasn't aware that children liked looking at grotesques from horror films, making cannibalistic overtures while wearing silvery platform boots. I wonder what kind of dreams that boy had in his room each night.
So it's no surprise that KISS has once again licensed themselves out for a hefty sum to swallow the coins of America at a rapid rate. That's been the KISS credo and as long as we're buying... Head down to Las Vegas and be DAZZLED by the aggressive marketing that will make KISS the profitable army of classic rock for eons to come. And check out more celebrity rock-star slots, why don't 'cha? And finally, be sure to take in the KISS Miniature Golf Course opening-day video below, complete with arcade, gift shop and wedding chapel. I don't know why there isn't an officially licensed KISS tampon. It would sell like hotcakes. I'm going to get right on that.
KISS® slots with surround sound, plus Gene Simmons' tongue and tight T-shirt-wearing babes. Everybody sing: Beth I hear you callin' but I can't come home right now. My gambling addiction's calling...
Elvis the King® slots awards "incredible wins." At least Elvis had ties to Las Vegas, and vast marketing schemes by his handler.
Michael Jackson's Beat It slots choreography brings out the "wild" card for a colossal King of Pop win.
After you lose the kids' college funds on celebrity slots, make amends by taking the family out to the new KISS miniature golf course. Despite every success, Peter Criss is still a sad little cat.
Filtered through the brain cells of Lisa McElroy
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