Oscars on Acid 2013

A good tab of LSD will last you at least 12 hours, perfect for televised Academy Award coverage! Have a mind-expanding Hollywood award-show experience full of glitz, glamor and God (well, Adele did attend). It's OK, I'll be your guide. It's going to be OK man—by tomorrow, you won't even remember who won.

And now: Oscars on Acid, brought to you by my multitude of Photoshop filters.

Amy Adams welcomes you to the day-glow marathon experience of wealthy, successful entertainment-industry professionals, sitting, clapping and smiling.

Jessica Chastain is our "it" girl for new experiences. You are experienced, aren't you?

Whoa, Jennifer Lawrence, slow down! Your career trajectory is spinning out of control!

Phew, time for some old-guard, larger-than-life Hollywood Royalty. Bow down to Michael Douglas and his fair maiden, Catherine Zeta-Jones, floating by in a glitz bubble of epic proportions!

Sally Field has got it going on.

For all we know, George Clooney could very well be on acid right this moment. He's pretty laid back.

 Is all of this just a cartoon? Hugs and kisses to Daniel Radcliffe and Melissa McCarthy—classy yet approachable.

What's Kelly Osbourne doing here? My mind can't process this (even when I'm not on Photoshop acid).

Whoosh! Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman make a dashing couple.

Zoe Saldana has such a lovely name. Zoeeey Saldaaannaaa...

 

Marcia Gay Harden can really pull off red.

Losing focus, Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts! It's not your fault—you both can act and don't need to even be here to promote yourselves.

Amanda Seyfried reminds me of the 19th century. She's dreamy.

I must be really tripping hard at this point.