Everything I Know, I've Learned From Celebrity Blogs

It's time to come clean: I'm addicted to celebrity blogs. I resolved to give them up for 2007 and that literally lasted all of 5 minutes (it was a mistake. I logged onto a non-celebrity blog, but the first item was a celebrity-gossip post and I was forced to see it). So I've decided to look on the bright side and compile a list of all the knowledge I've gained since succumbing to the brain-rot that is my choice of cheap entertainment. Remember: these are not necessarily the opinions of this blogger; I'm simply regurgitating back what I've absorbed for the past couple of years. So you don't have to.

1.) Courtney Love should definitely consider wearing a one-piece on the beach.

2.) Lindsay Lohan is really, really fucked up and slutty.

3.) Britney Spears is a national disgrace but the nation loves a come-back. Maybe this time she'll give the people what they want: more Britney Spears.

4.) Fergie is butt-ugly. And a former crystal meth addict. And hideous.

5.) Cameron Diaz is the most hated woman in America. And she's pock-marked.

6.) Kirsten Dunst is a drunken, coke-snorting, Gollum.

7.) Beyonce is a jealous bitch in a bad wig.

8.) Paris Hilton is a wonk-eyed, sleazy, fame-whore with an impressive drug paraphenalia kit.

9.) Tom Cruise is a short, closeted, religious fanatic, and an idiot.

10.) Jake Gyllenhaal, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and David Beckham are hot.

11.) Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson and Reese Witherspoon are beautiful.

12.) Nicole Kidman, Keira Knightley, Kate Bosworth and Victoria Beckham are anorexic.

13.) Jennifer Lopez still has a big butt. And is a bitch or a diva, depending on the site.

14.) Same with Madonna, but instead of having a big butt, she has a big camel toe.

15.) Same with Angelina Jolie, except instead of being a bitch or a diva, she's either a humanitarian saint, or a self-centered home-wrecker. And instead of having a big butt or a camel toe, she has four children.

In drafting this list, I see that what I crave on some base level, is not so much celebrity gossip, but a re-living of my high school experience. It turns out that the Web is the perfect outlet for all the frustrated writerly geeks to get out their agressions/crushes/love-hate spew on the popular kids.

Anyway, here's a Lindsay Lohan quilt I've been working on. Mmmmm, snuggly.