Monday, April 02, 2007

Everything I Know, I've Learned From Celebrity Blogs

It's time to come clean: I'm addicted to celebrity blogs. I resolved to give them up for 2007 and that literally lasted all of 5 minutes (it was a mistake. I logged onto a non-celebrity blog, but the first item was a celebrity-gossip post and I was forced to see it). So I've decided to look on the bright side and compile a list of all the knowledge I've gained since succumbing to the brain-rot that is my choice of cheap entertainment. Remember: these are not necessarily the opinions of this blogger; I'm simply regurgitating back what I've absorbed for the past couple of years. So you don't have to.

1.) Courtney Love should definitely consider wearing a one-piece on the beach.

2.) Lindsay Lohan is really, really fucked up and slutty.

3.) Britney Spears is a national disgrace but the nation loves a come-back. Maybe this time she'll give the people what they want: more Britney Spears.

4.) Fergie is butt-ugly. And a former crystal meth addict. And hideous.

5.) Cameron Diaz is the most hated woman in America. And she's pock-marked.

6.) Kirsten Dunst is a drunken, coke-snorting, Gollum.

7.) Beyonce is a jealous bitch in a bad wig.

8.) Paris Hilton is a wonk-eyed, sleazy, fame-whore with an impressive drug paraphenalia kit.

9.) Tom Cruise is a short, closeted, religious fanatic, and an idiot.

10.) Jake Gyllenhaal, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and David Beckham are hot.

11.) Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson and Reese Witherspoon are beautiful.

12.) Nicole Kidman, Keira Knightley, Kate Bosworth and Victoria Beckham are anorexic.

13.) Jennifer Lopez still has a big butt. And is a bitch or a diva, depending on the site.

14.) Same with Madonna, but instead of having a big butt, she has a big camel toe.

15.) Same with Angelina Jolie, except instead of being a bitch or a diva, she's either a humanitarian saint, or a self-centered home-wrecker. And instead of having a big butt or a camel toe, she has four children.

In drafting this list, I see that what I crave on some base level, is not so much celebrity gossip, but a re-living of my high school experience. It turns out that the Web is the perfect outlet for all the frustrated writerly geeks to get out their agressions/crushes/love-hate spew on the popular kids.

Lindsay Lohan Quilt Anyway, here's a Lindsay Lohan quilt I've been working on. Mmmmm, snuggly.


Tuckers said...

OMG! You dropped enough names to give you a google bomb bigger than Perez.

Now you just have to consider Ad space and celebrity apearances.

BTW, I had a dream with Michael Jackson in it in which he helped me do my taxes. What a guy! This is definitely an indication that I have been reading too much junk too.

Anonymous said...

gawddammit, that is a hoot and the truth to boot!

Anonymous said...

Did you ever see the movie 'Dead Man' with Johhny Depp? The scene where Billy Bob Thorton is talking to Iggy Pop - BB say's 'What's a Philistine?' and Iggy replies, "Oh, it's a real dirty person.'

'What's a Google Bomb?'

Lisa Mc said...

I always thought "Dead Man" should be re-titled, "Hipster's Paradise." The last time I saw it was in film school and you just haven't experienced this movie until you watch Gibby Haynes getting a violent blowjob in a classroom of your peers and one chuckling, elderly professor.

A Google Bomb sounds like one of those bad-guy creatures from "Lost In Space" as in, "WILLIAM! WILLIAM! Come quick! The Google Bomb is upon us!"

Anonymous said...

Dr Smiiiiiiith! Oh, Dr. Smiiiiiith!

(Google bomb the green babe with the salad bowl on her head floating around outside the Saucer Robinson).

Nikki said...

i had a dream that lindz lohan was interested in a quilt exhibit.
obviously, i had to google those keywords. and this is where the internet takes me.
i like it.