Monday, July 30, 2012

More Images for Ultimate Search-Engine Optimization

Here at Captive Wild Woman dot blogspot dot com, it's all about the content. Why, I started out as a content provider back in 1997 when the Internet was a young whippersnapper, and I never stopped providing it. Even though the title "content provider" is but a quaint memory on the abandoned business cards of days past, that doesn't mean I have to stifle my content-providing soul. And although most every Internet job I've ever had is now obsolete, blowing down the silicon-valley memory lanes like so many wadded-up-paper tumbleweeds, I like to keep a fresh perspective.

Where was I? Oh yes, search-engine optimization. It's still going strong, keeping the Internet vital, dynamic, "grabby," and lucrative, if you know all the correct statistical analysis and buzzwords. Some things will never change. Let's open the image vault and see what pounces out at us. Your content will shine with the right image for ultimate search optimization!

It's a...potholder loom & loops! Sorry, let's try again. Let me just rummage about here a little more...

A divorce cake! You never know when you might need this. Looks tasty too.

Brangelina! This was my favorite Photoshopped image of 2012 because it actually improves upon the original in a fresh, new, and exciting way. And although I can't properly credit the maker, I tip my hat to the ingenuity, focus and drive that went into creating this top-notch celebrity portrait.

Suggestive cactus is just what the name implies: suggestive.

This mid-century Del Monte ad is like Mad Men on acid, which coincidentally did feature an acid trip or two during its current season. Hey, do you think this ad was originally inspired by...NAH!

Do you remember what this is? Click "like" if you know what this image—wait, this isn't Facebook. Sorry, what nonsense. Who would fill their Facebook wall with such a thing? Would YOU?

John Waters is posing with a Bratz doll. What would entice him to do this? We all know he's more of a Monster High kind of guy.

Toddlers & Tiaras featuring Honey Boo Boo Chile and her mom. Look, I'm sorry. I need the hits. The fact that this will give me hits is on YOU, world. Not me.

Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels throwing gang signs because winning Celebrity Apprentice is so freaking awesome.

Kim Kardashian is crying. There there, Kim. It will be all right. Do not cry. It is too hard for your face to move in that way.

Look! I has a corm! Life is beautiful.

Vagina - It's not a clown car. I want to keep it classy around here. And I like to use the word vagina once in a while.

DAMN GURL...YOU OKAY? will never not be relevant in some way. Eminem is such an artist in this shot. Look at his expression, his body language. Sensitive.

Rush Limbaugh hobnobbing with his fat-cat friends is what life is all about.

Yes indeedy, this is Internet. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Young Romance Comics - Funny Bunny - No. 141 April-May 1966

I finally found a reliable and affordable source of old romance comics and so we shall all now reap the rewards! This one grabbed my attention right out of the ol' comics discount bin. With the headline: She'll do anything to attract a man's attention! Read what happens to the girl they called... FUNNY BUNNY!, you know it's a good one. And Funny Bunny does not disappoint.

Funny Bunny - super freakin' on the outside; completely freaking out on the inside

The original manic pixie dream girl of 1966, Funny Bunny is a shy wallflower until she discovers the wild clothes of the sixties, and like, WOW!, suddenly no one can take their eyes off her. Especially the menfolk. But before we delve into the complex emotional soup that is Funny Bunny, let's explore what attracts me to old romance comics in the first place.


Classic pop-art composition!

Delusional thinking verging on insanity!

And fonts!

Back to our story. But first a word from our sponsor: Heavy Legs.

Heavy legs—them's the breaks, kid

Parties are "dull as dishwater" until Funny Bunny makes an appearance. This is contingent on her wild, way-out womenswear and kooky hijinks, as evidenced here. Wearing a pale orange half-apron with big hand-pockets and posing like an ancient Egyptian hieroglyph is the secret to her social success.

But it wasn't always thus. Until Bunny found her inner fierce fashion diva, she was just a social misfit in sweater and slacks.

After donning her fashion-forward duds, she's able to attract the "one" true love of her life—this guy. Sixties-era romance comics tend to make the men bland and interchangeable. They often have forgettable one-syllable names and perfectly coiffed hair. Emotions are conveyed through eyebrows alone. This guy distinguishes himself by having a two-syllable name, Richy, but otherwise, he doesn't stand out as an actual human being in any "real" sense—that would be too scary! Anyway, Bunny comes across as extremely manic, or perhaps coke-addled, in the early stages of their budding romance. Richy's kind of like, "Huh, whatever," but things are going OK. At first.

Alas! Funny Bunny senses Richy is pulling away. No amount of picket-fence hopping or twirling tent dresses can recapture the magic they once shared!

And heartbreak is just around the corner.

Don't worry! It all comes out all right in the end. As Bunny puts on a plain lilac dress and quietly admits how phony she's been, Richy tells her she was trying too hard to hide the person he truly loves. They kiss in tremendous close-up. SWOON! But what about all those clothes? And what about all those parties?! It's going to be dullsville around here. I will miss you, Funny Bunny.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Modern Mythological Creatures

I've been reading John Connolly's YA novels, The Gates, and its new sequel, The Infernals. Both are very clever takes on science, the underworld, demonic forces, and an intrepid child hero who saves the world with his faithful dachshund, Boswell, at his side. Connolly's wit is Dublin-honed and his ability to conjure up creatures is very macabre and refreshing. I suppose it must be inspiring, because I came up with a few modern mythological creatures during one of my chronic insomniac fits. See if you can think of some of your own for a lite brain workout.

Barkomnibus - Barks and barks, night and day, yet you can never find the source of its massive sound. Occasionally a house will appear to have a Barkomnibus within its confines, but when you knock on the door to inquire, the owner looks at you like you're crazy and insists, "There's no barking coming from this house."

The mysterious and disruptive Barkomnibus

Weighticon invades your thoughts with ideas of your mythological ideal weight. Try to avoid this creature or you will never learn to love and appreciate your fabulous body temple.

The parasitic Weighticon

The Creeping Crud lives in the refrigerator, expanding. A good wipe with baking soda solution will (temporarily) dispel of this unpleasant entity.

Beware the Creeping Crud!

Plasticus breeds plastic items until your house is full of them. Especially prevalent in households with children and pets. Don't let Plasticus get the upper hand!

Plasticus makes hoarding a way of life

The Internet Troll - now that so many of us are using social media, this creature has no doubt made an unwelcome appearance. During an election year, the Internet Troll is especially pesky, disrupting the peaceful discussion of polite social discourse wherever he posts his fanatical opinions. When he can't win enough converts to his side, he will resort to insults to get his way. Red flags include the terms, "ignorant," "puppet-master Obama," "media plot," "gay agenda," "reefer-smoking hippies," and "shut up and get a job!"

I based this creature on my own personal Facebook troll—I hope he's flattered!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

A Dancing Chicken Post

This blog has existed for seven years and yet no dancing chicken post. Until now. I love chickens. I love the dance. Dancing chickens are almost too incredibly wonderful to contemplate. Dancing chicken free-for-all follows. Bless them, one and all.

The dancing chicken from Werner Herzog's "Stroszek." Perhaps the most famous dancing chicken of them all.

Chicken Techno by Oli Chang—from the original Australian Domino's Pizza commercial. Look, I don't make these; I just embed them.

National Dance Like a Chicken Day is May 14. Did you forget to enter the video contest?

"Dance of The Cock and Hens" by the Bavarian State Ballet from La Fille Mal Gardée, because it's all about the (chicken) dance.

The Glaum Egg Ranch of Aptos, California, has a 24-hour vending machine. For three dollars you get two dozen cage-free eggs and get to watch animatronic chickens dance to Glen Miller's In the Mood, as sung by chickens. I'm really glad I grew up in California. It's my kind of state-of-mind.

The Famous Chicken and "Barney" in a most violent dance off.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Kardashian Haiku

For years my way of dealing with the Kardashian media juggernaut was to completely ignore everything about it. Or at least attempt to. I've seen maybe a total of 30 minutes of any given Kardashian reality show in total. The bits and pieces of their lives don't add up to much for me. As soon as one of their cell phones ring, or they get a text, that's the cue for drama. Otherwise, it's Kardashian konversation and that is not engrossing to say the least.

Everything about the Kardahsians seems scripted, at least to my ears. They just love being in front of the camera TOO MUCH. They are very boring people without a lot of thought processes going on, but they must manufacture some kind of interpersonal drama for every episode of their show(s). Perhaps that's what their audience finds appealing—I DON'T KNOW. Someone must be buying their shows, klothes, lingerie, perfume and nail polish. Or is it all a tremendous kosmic joke on all of us?

I do know that the time for ignoring the Kardashians is over. They are too ubiquitous, proactive, and in my face for that strategy to work anymore. I'm going to saturate this post with Kardashian fever, embracing their desire to infiltrate every pore of our consciousness. I present: Kardashian Haiku.

You might find these haiku edgy with what appears to be underlying rage on my part. That passion, that loathing of everything Kardashian, I hope will carry me to the big time. That's right: the Nobel Prize for Literature for reality-television poetry. Let the haiku commence.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Kim, quite alluring
yet so incredibly dull
a kontradiction

Khloe and Lamar
taking a break from TV
just keep doing that

Who is Khloe's dad?
Who would start such a rumor?
probably her mom

Kim and Kris Humphries
marriage of the century
blinked and I missed it

Scott is a funny
sociopath, perfect for
this korporate klan

Kris Kardashian
gives the public what they want
empire-building pimp

Bruce Jenner must still
be punishing himself for
Can't Stop The Music

More Kardashians
waiting in the TV wings
that's purgatory!

Thursday, July 05, 2012

A Johnny Guitar Post

I admit I've never seen "Johnny Guitar," but I've always been a fan of middle-aged crazed Joan Crawford. Now that I'm middle-aged and somewhat crazed, I think anyone celebrating that stage of life should be honored from time to time. When I was younger and flipping TV channels, middle-aged crazed Joan Crawford films were on a lot. I guess they were inexpensive filler for network off-hours. But let me tell you: those films gave me the template for my own impending middle age, and it looked badass.

Don't mess with this woman—what, are you crazy?

Martin Scorsese introduces "Johnny Guitar," directed by Nicholas Ray, 1954. Scorsese knows pretty much everything about classic films. Sterling Hayden costars, so there really isn't any reason for me not to see this.

The posse comes to Vienna's place, which isn't your typical Hollywood Western stage-set, I think you'll agree. Mercedes McCambridge has some words with Ms. Crawford, causing her to get all indignant. You never want to make Joan Crawford indignant.

Hell yeah, Johnny Guitar sung by Peggy Lee haunts my reverie. Stereo version here.

The Spotnicks play Johnny Guitar, 1962. Truly cool space-age instrumentalists from Sweden, The Spotnicks make today's hipsters look like the useless trust-fund babies that they basically are. Hail, Spotnicks.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Dot Racing at the Oakland Coliseum

Keith tells me that Oakland was the first baseball stadium to feature "dot racing" with the computer-generated dots racing across the video-tron screen in an exciting pre-Internet between-inning experiment in family entertainment. Now they just do it live, which is much, much better.

Happy July 4th. A's swept the Red Sox and I believe the blue dot won.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Weber Grill Design Timeline for Barbecue Nostalgists

It's summer and our new hobby is grilling. When we first moved to suburbia I had absolutely no interest in joining the legions of outdoor cooks around here. What the hell is so great about cooking outdoors, I wondered. There's fire, smoke, propane, charcoal, wind, bird droppings, screaming children next door and so on. Plus I'm married to a vegetarian who only eats five vegetables. And my son is so disinterested in food that sometimes I think he may have been fathered in the middle of the night by a visiting alien bearing an in-vitro probe.

I don't know what happened to me this year. I think I've been indoctrinated into some kind of Smokey-Joe cult. Maybe it's just one more gadget to get my son interested in dinner (that works for him for short periods of time). Whatever happened, I'm fascinated by the whole process of grilled cuisine. And Jackson ate an entire turkey burger the other night, I think solely based on the beautiful grill marks I managed to cook up. This is a kind of triumph around here.

We picked up Weber's 2012 catalog at the hardware store yesterday and the Weber Grill Timeline is one of my favorite public-relations layouts ever. I wish it was poster-sized to hang over my mantel. I isolated the standouts for nostalgic bbq reminiscing. Back in the 70s, we had the standard black kettle with the wheels on the stand. I had no idea the Weber Grill had such funky design specs over the years.

This is the grill that started it all. Designed by George Stephen of Weber Brothers Metal Works outside of Chicago. Still a thing of beauty.

The Westerner—don't you want a throw a steer on here? I know I do.

The Flamenco has some backyard patio attitude, I think you'll agree. Cocktail wieners anyone?

The Wishing Well is wishing it was a lawn ornament—a lawn ornament that can cook up some tasty pork loin that is.

Madame, your rib-eye steak is cooked to perfection on the Seville. So very fancy!

Hey, it's the 70s and I'm getting back to basics. I found this barrel by the side of the road—what should I do with it? 

Some might not think of the 80s as the pinnacle of industrial design, but I think this red-top Genesis gas grill is spiffy looking. Plus it's named Genesis so turn it on, turn it on again.

What do I dream of when I dream of my dream barbecue grill? The One-Touch® Platinum with it's little side tables, charcoal fuel holders and high-capacity ash catcher, of course. *salivate*

Elizabeth Karmel's big barbecue bible Taming the Flame is helping me not be such an ignoramous around the grill. And this book has encouraged me to not only try grilling vegetables (which are divine), but fruit as well. Grilled fruit is the sweetest thing you will ever taste. You'll get a sugar rush, I promise.

You can get the same results on a tiny Smokey Joe, which is what we've been using (a gift from our neighbors), or on one of the big hulking gas grills that are so popular now. Barbecue is pretty much in most people's grasp, so don't be like me. Don't shut yourself off from primitive-based smoky cooking experiences. You'll have to deal with ash aftermath, but it's worth it.

This adorable Weber logo brought to you by the year 1954