Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Antonio Sabato, Jr./Mick Foley

It's wrap-up time for this season of Celebrity Wife Swap. It went by so fast! Especially when I think of all the poetry it's inspired for me. What other reality show could serve as my muse? None. Only Celebrity Wife Swap is worthy of lyrical recap thought processes.

And what a finale! World Wrestling Entertainment mega-star, best-selling author, and all-around good guy, Mick "Mankind/Cactus Jack" Foley, trades wives with Calvin Klein supermodel and General Hospital heartthrob, Antonio Sabàto, Jr. It's a night of stars and the women and children who live with them!

This would include Mick's wife of 17 years, former model Colette, and their four children who never help out mom around the house, and their poopy little dog, Randall. Then there's Sabàto's fiancé, Cheryl, a model and self-diagnosed clean-freak perfectionist with OCD issues (uh oh); plus Sabàto's nine-year-old daughter, Mina (actress Virginia Madsen's child--yo, star-studded!), and the couple's three-month-old baby, Antonio, Jr. (Jr. Jr.?).

Turns out Cheryl and Mina are both wrestling fans, so they're psyched about Mick Foley. And Colette, though a seemingly loving wife and mother, is more than thrilled to be hanging around some Antonio Sabàto, Jr. man-beauty, even if it's a temporary situation. When Foley finds out his wife is living with the former billboard-underwear model, he proclaims, "OK--that's a wrap! Everyone go home now!"

Given the epic nature of the show, I think a Sonnet is in order. With apologies to Shakespeare (and everyone else), I give you  

Celebrity Wife Swap - The Most Explosive Reunion Ever.

Celebrity Wife Swap, for now, must end

A season with too many memories to mention

But celebrities will be back to work on their brand

While attempting to lessen marital tensions

Mick Foley and Antonio Sabato, Jr.’s families blend

One, a laid-back mess, wrestling for fun

The other, a compulsive unit where cleaning’s a trend

Antonio’s abs appear in multitudes, so well done

Colette is tired of cleaning for six

Cheryl could clean for ten thousand or more

This is a recipe for potential conflicts

Or else the finale will be a big bore

Cheryl leaves 65 itemized tasks for Colette to do,

Six pages of notes on the refrigerator door

Colette has left nothing for Cheryl but doggie doo

On the luxurious tile of her kitchen floor

And that bothers Cheryl who likes everything just so

Dirt and clutter are like a pressure-cooker for her, Oh-Ho!

Colette takes care of the baby; Mina has chores and gymnastics

Antonio takes his shirt off for car-washing and workouts

And this causes Colette to be slightly lovesick

But she worries about Mina’s type-A-schedule and burnout

She’s seen kids like this, rebel and turn to drugs

Why can’t the family relax and chill for a bit?

She’s being realistic, and not a bit smug

But at least she doesn’t have to clean up dog shit

Cheryl is living in housekeeping purgatory

The kids never help and Mick’s always at work

He needs a make-over in this edited love story

Will Cheryl come through for the ABC Network?

Rules-change day! Colette says: time-out for some fun

Cheryl makes a list of chores to complete

Antonio’s not sure and appears to be stunned

While Mick’s kids complain like the 1% elite

But it all works out in the end, as usual

Slobs clean up their mess and compulsives have a ball

There are barbecues and miniature golf

Tidiness and walks on the beach

Dance lessons, dental work, and Mick’s new coif

Celebrities really are just like you and me

But reunion time is filled with strife

Cheryl feels attacked for her perfectionism

Perhaps there is jealousy over Anotonio’s new wife

Or OCD has contributed to this unfortunate schism

Cheryl feels shunned and profoundly dissed

She storms off in a huff with her mic on

Antonio is sorry, professing love for his lady pissed

But her patience and perhaps sanity are long gone

Cheryl is off to stay in a hotel while Mick and Colette say, pish!

That’s crazy talk, Cheryl. It must be hormones

To leave Antonio, who’s such a dish

And so ends Celebrity Wife swap--with a broken home

But wait! Two weeks later Cheryl’s back with Antonio

Like nothing happened and everything’s fine – Oh-Ho!

Relive this season's Celebrity Wife Swap poetic moments...if you dare!

Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers Haiku
Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav (and Dee Snider)
Gary Busey Loves a Good Beef Rib (with Ted Haggard)
Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes (with Tracey Gold)

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers

Celebrity Wife Swap episodes are coming fast and furious from ABC, and I've made an insane and inexplicable commitment to recap them in poetry form. But this week's episode, featuring comedian Niecy Nash and former child star Tina Yothers, just didn't inspire me to great poetic heights.

I'm not blaming Niecy or Tina. Niecy's work on Reno 911 puts her in the pantheon of TV satirists I'll always love and respect. And Tina Yothers was great as the deadpan smart-ass little sister on Family Ties, until she hit her awkward years and quit television to sing in a band with her brother.

(Note: this is not Tina's band, Jaded, but a precursor as featured on Family Ties.)

(Niecy shows up about a minute in. Reno 911 is NSFW, just so you know.)

Their families are great, living on polar opposite planes. Niecy's glamorous city life with teenagers and workaholic (and hot) dad contrasts with Tina's country ways with chickens and camping trips with her electrical contractor husband. Everyone learns Valuable Lessons and everyone is very sweet-natured in this episode, with the exception of four-year-old Yothers-spawn, Bobby, who reacts to his substitute mom with supreme brattiness. But do I want to write poetry about a willful toddler from Ontario, California?

Let's go with Haikus.

Tina, Niecy, swap

Child threatens/rooster attacks

ABC reaches

Niecy goes camping

bitching vociferously

Why sleep on the ground
when you don't have to?

Tina watches Gram

doing all the housekeeping

ignored by family

Bobby, a challenge.

Pushing Niecy in the fire

will not endear her

Teen-agers are tough

barely talking to Tina

or one another

Tina hosts dinner

around a table. How quaint.

Gram likes this Tina

Niecy adds glamour

Mani-pedis and tough love

red carpet weirdness

Tina tries horses

Teen-agers overcome their fears

but still miss the mall

Valuable Lessons

We're all learning them, aren't we?

on Celebrity Wife Swap

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Flavor Flav/Dee Snider

What could be more apropos than a poetry recap of this 80s-centric episode of Celebrity Wife Swap, featuring the Flavor Flav and Dee Snider households? What could be more inspirational than the sweet retro sounds of Twisted Sister and Public Enemy? I'm going to attempt my first heavy-metal rap lyrics for the recap here. I've got my rhyming dictionary in hand and I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? Yeah, we're feeling it.

Dee Snider is best known as the lead singer/hair and Lycra-spandex man in Twisted Sister. He met his future wife, Suzette when she was 15 years old. Eww. But they've been together for 35 years, so yay! They have four kids, teen-ager age to late 20s. Suzette runs the Snider household with an iron but loving hand, fixing up the house, cooking the meals, cutting her kids' and their dogs' hair, being a lover and a wife. Don't mess with her. She can caulk and power-wash a deck in a skin-tight tank top. I really think she should've been fronting a band in the 80s, but that's just my opinion.

Flavor Flav is the self-proclaimed World's Best Hype Man. He loves hanging out with friends all day, greeting fans wherever he goes, continuing to wear large clocks around his neck, compulsively talking business on his cell phone, and going bowling. The bowling is pretty endearing. I mean, who among us has such passion for bowling? I do, actually. I think bowling is a fun family activity. The problem is, Flav never takes his family bowling.

In fact, he and his fiancé, Liz, don't do many outings as a family at all. Rather, they're doing their personal activities, individually. Liz's gig is to hand their adorable four-year-old son over to her mom who is also her paid nanny for seven hours a day so she can read self-help books, crochet, or go gambling. Her teenage son is the responsible, handsome and appealing member of the family. Unfortunately, it's not celebrity teen-ager swap.

And now, give it up for Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav

The Sniders are pretty hyper
combo inner-city hipster
and suburban hesher.
Trucker hats and mohawks
Suzette's on deck with her caulk
which also needs a power wash.
An adventure of intensity
for this shapely queen bee

The Flavs are kind of hazy
Laid back and lazy
Flav's off with friends, bowling
while Liz just does her own thing
Grandma's watching the baby
Is that the way things should be?
There's no predicting Flavor Flav
who has been known to misbehave.

chorus
There's no stopping
two wives from swapping
Celebrity households on TV
For this I got a college degree?

Suzette's being a jerk
Saying Las Vegas is so ugly,
this house could use some work.
But she's having fun with the family
Flavor's involved.
They even trampoline.
How come he's not off bowling?
And could he please stop always phoning?

It's frickin' disrespectful and rude
Like some selfish frat-house dude.
Suzette will have her say
but first she must crochet
and sit around like furniture
while Flav goes about his day
At least there's family bungee jumping
along with annoying public star-humping

The Sniders have tons of energy
as long as Liz is their employee.
She's rubbing gel in one son's hair
while a teenage daughter's music blares
from somewhere down the stairs
and dinner's on for eight
which no one knows how to make
Pizza take-out! Go aheeaaaaad!

Rule-change day!
Liz goes on vacay.
The Snider men are dismayed
they'll be power-washing today.
With a lesson in crochet
in the heavy-metal way.
But it's not so bad, they say,
to be gambling protégés

But Flavor's so uncool,
disappearing like he's prankin',
so Suzette feels like a fool
and says that Flavor needs a spankin'.
Rule one is more family time
Sky-diving's on the schedule
We pause this poem briefly
for a word from Scrubbing Bubbles.

We're back and Suzette's pissed
She feels like she's been 'dissed.
She wants Flav off his cell phone
and to act like he is full-grown.
But Flav's a cheery narcissist.
I fear these two can't coexist
I am running out of gas
as Suzette shouts, "kiss my little white ass!"

Go aheeeeaaaad!
chorus

The Sniders are a love-fest.
They've passed this reality-TV test.
The deck looks great, there's hugs and kisses
They all can't wait
with crocheting inner bliss
to see if Suzette and Flavor
were a hit or miss.
I think we all can guess.

Flavor doesn't want to bowl alone.
"Then go with us!" Suzette moans.
Then cries with deep despair
as Flav adjusts his cap and stares.
He played her like a piano
and it seems he does not care.
Be sure to check with Geico
for your insurance, and compare!

Suzette leaves for a hotel
Flavor Flav's put her through hell.
Talking on the cell phone
like a rude dumbbell.
And sending the baby away
on Suzette's big family day.
This whole deal's tankin'.
But still there is no spankin'.

Reunited and Suzette screams.
Every ABC producer's dream.
While Liz is talking, Flav's cell-phone rings
There's commotion and general squawking.
Dee sees his wife lit up and it's strange
I hope Flavor Flav can change
It's doubtful, hey, but wait.
He will not accommodate fans while with his family.
Great.

chorus

Celebrity Wife Swap Poetry Recap - Gary Busey/Ted Haggard

It's time for another poetry recap of Celebrity Wife Swap! Wait--don't click over to your porn bookmarks yet! Poetry is on the wane and I'm just trying to shore up an ancient art form with this week's celebrity muses, Gary Busey and Ted Haggard.

I only know Ted Haggard from his 2006 scandal. As evangelical pastor of the New Life Church (10,000 congregants strong), Ted was caught having relations with a former male prostitute. Crystal meth was involved. As scandals go, it was a big one. He was ousted by the church and even told to pack up his family and move from Colorado, his home base. But Ted and his family are back and have started a new church in a barn on their property. You might think: Hypocrite! Blasphemy! Or all number of things when the name Ted Haggard is mentioned, but he's more than meets the eye.

Mainly, he's an out bisexual now, who welcomes people of all backgrounds to his new St. James church. His wife Gayle, decided to stay with him and they continue to live together with their five children, some who are at home, some who are in college or doing missionary work. They have made an arrangement that apparently works for them. I assume that years of extreme sexual repression made Ted prone to a spectacular mental blow-out, but he appears to be on the mend. Still, how will his family deal with Steffanie, the Jewish hypnotherapist, past-life-living, self-proclaimed "Busey Whisperer" fiancée of Gary Busey when she comes a'calling?

Gary Busey is one of my favorite character actors. He's now primarily known for acting ca-razy during public events, but the American public forgets that he's not merely a former cocaine addict, he also suffered a skull fracture in a helmet-less motorcycle accident in 1988. This resulted in brain damage that is most likely the cause of his impulsiveness and super-high levels of intensity. Although he's always been intense. That's partially what makes him a great character actor. His other gift comes from a weird charisma that is truly American in scope--unpredictable, mocking, and prone to violence, yet somehow lovable, despite everything. How will Gary and his 14-month-old son, Luke, handle the Christian wife of a once-fallen-but-now-rising evangelical pastor?

Let's explore this episode with a combination of automatic writing (a la Busey, who is more verbally poetic than most), and free-verse, representing the possibilities available to all of us through creative growth, personal spirituality and the forgiveness of nearly...anything.

Note: Busey often exclaims excitedly in a high-pitched baby voice, often proclaiming, "YAY!" or sometimes with nonsense syllabic concepts. While Gayle has an unconscious habit of pursing her lips and saying, "Hmmm," whenever things get a little weird or unfathomable. And as evidenced by the Comedy Central show, "I'm With Busey," that has been known to happen in the Busey household.

Gary Busey Loves a Good Beef Rib

I'm Gary Busey.
Prepare for the best, prepare for the worst
  and expect the unexpected.
I've been dead, surrounded by golden balls. Those were angels.
Strangers assume that I must be crazy.
Thirty-one past lives later, that's just something that's a whim,
  you know?

Gary lives with knowledge.
Finally Understanding Nothing: Fun.

Ted muses, He may be a real celebrity.
We're a mistake celebrity.
 Gayle's manual proclaims
Families are worth fighting for.

But you want to live in harmony,
You want to live in peace, says Steffanie
The Haggard family has
specific energies and feelings
that are almost a little sad.

Swap!

Gary and Gayle:
I am a church.
Hmmm
Past-life evolution is true.
Hmmm
Spirituality is for people who've already been
  to hell and back.
Hmmm
Huh! Yay! A bah bah bah bah!
  Wah wah wah!
Hmmm

When it comes to gay marriage,
says Steffanie, The public-faced Ted
says what the public wants to hear.
Although gays, bisexuals, drug users, ex-addicts
are all welcome at St. James,
including Ted.

Native-American Bob attempts to address
three centuries of cultural annihilation
by greeting Gayle with the phrase,
So you're the lost soul.

Gary gets his soul cleansed
with a suitcase full of drum
while Gayle sits this one out,
not sure what to make of Indian Bob
who Gary says is
sincerely, spiritually, on the money
Wow!

Gary eats beef ribs falling off the bone
like Kobi beef from Japan.
Gayle waits to tell her story
But Gary, like most of us,
could honestly care less
And dinner was fantastic
Hmmm

Gayle says, I do really like you
just the way you are.
Gary says, this touches me
very deeply and you come to realize
you really need to hear that.

Ted's daughter wants to spend time
with her dad
and get to know him more.
This simple request
turns into an argument with her brother
who wants to know
why doesn't she just spend more time
with their dad.
This argument, brought to you by
tabloid-fueled scandal fall-out.

The new doors of communication
Hwaaaah!
are opening over coffee
and stroller walks
and simple suppers
and hikes in the hills
where people are told to
listen as well as talk.
Yay!

Gary quotes Don Henley about
the nature of scandal
It's not the Bible, Gayle,
But it's a start.

The kindness of Gayle
was beautiful today to me.
I learned a lot from it.
It's emotional and it's good,
says Gary.
Gayle has taught him to listen
There's hope for us all yet.

God is not ashamed of me.
I'm his son, says Ted.
Ted, you're great, says Gary.

While selling insurance,
Ted heard the voice of God,
calling him back to Colorado Springs.
Insurance will do that.

Gary speaks of Easter
but questions the bunnies,
the eggs.
This wife swap has been
a miracle and a blessing.

Steffanie astral-projected
to Gary one night.
That was very thoughtful.
YAY!

Gary tells us
Everything's alive
Everything's beautiful
It's wonderful to look at
No matter where you look
Hmmm

***
I hope Ted and Gayle make it, those crazy kids. I suggest an ongoing course of dance therapy, particularly the duet from Just Dance 3 for the Wii - "No Limit" by 2 Unlimited. It's strenuous but so is living under the glaring eye of the media, your congregants, and God Himself. Good luck, you two!

Celebrity Wife Swap Poetry Recap - Carnie Wilson/Tracey Gold

I apologize up front for this, but when I read that ABC was going to air Celebrity Wife Swap this television season, I felt in my bones that it must be recapped somehow. You might remember Wife Swap, where two wives switch households for two weeks. The first part of the week, the wives follow the typical household rules. Then the house rules are changed by the new wives and hi-jinks, hostility, and emotionally damaging but enlightening chaos ensues (ABC hopes).

I completely missed the premiere, which I think is an encouraging sign for my mental health. It apparently consisted of a preview with Carnie Wilson and Tracey Gold, before commencing with the main event, starring Gary Busey and Ted Haggard as the celebrity husbands. You KNOW I'll be recapping that in poetry form. For now: here's Carnie and Tracey.

Carnie with Rob

Carnie Wilson, despite her career as a singer in the syrupy group Wilson Phillips (known to anyone who's shopped in Ross Dress for Less), is a very funny, down-to-earth lady, who I wish would sit in a rehearsal with my band. Not just so she could teach us how to properly harmonize, but because I sense we would laugh and laugh together. She's married to Rob Bonfiglio, who's listed as the composer of Colonial Times be Rockin' on Carnie's Christmas album, "I Built a Smokehouse." Both Carnie and Tracey seem like kind, reasonable people, so ABC editors made Rob the villain in this episode. Gotta have a villain, or at least a grumpy-grump.

Tracey with everyone

Tracey Gold is best known for playing put-upon Carol Seaver in the 80s sitcom, "Growing Pains."  She's also an anorexia survivor (pitted against serial weight gainer/loser Wilson--someone in ABC casting must have been hoping for body drama, I guess). But I'll always cherish her in the role of homicidal sociopath Darcy Palmer, in the made-for-TV drama, "Face of Evil." I still can't use an airport restroom without thinking of Gold in that film, disembarking from a plane, visiting the airport restroom (as we all do) and then dragging a young woman under her bathroom stall and brutally murdering her in order to steal her suitcase and entire identity, all within the span of moments. That's talent!

And now, Celebrity Wife Swap - Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes, in syllabics of seven. Again, I apologize.

Carnie Wilson, a great gal, 

blanches while reading the house

manual of Tracey Gold,

whose organized existence

inspires a tremendous belch.

Tracey eyeballs sausages

left in a pan alongside

apples marked by baby teeth

in a household abandoned

by form, function, or husband.

Carnie greets Tracey's husband

and four boys, that's right, FOUR BOYS,

all who are dressed and driven

and organized by parents

whose motto is: Never Late.

Carnie's husband, Absent Rob,

composer and musician,

will not emerge for dinner.

His daughters miss their daddy,

like Frank Zappa, but unknown.

Carnie does the laundry and

makes the beds and picks out clothes

and cooks pancakes for breakfast

and is very exhausted.

Tracey's husband is nonplussed.

Tracey watches Carnie's aunt

and part-time housekeeper

keep house as she sits and waits

for Absent Rob to notice

he is a husband-father.

But now the rules are altered

Rob will have to be present.

Tracie's house will have no rules.

Both husbands are terrified,

of dinner, of mess, ha ha!

Dinner is a disaster.

Rob's children cry, Who is Rob?

He is a stranger to us!

Rob ducks into his studio,

guitar plucking to no one.

Carnie's anarchy results

in unmade beds, Silly String,

pink hair and no swim lessons.

The boys live in a Thrillsville

Tracey's husband vows to clean.

End of swap, Tracey's boys will

always remember this time.

Carnie's girls may someday meet

their father in passing in

the hallway between bedtimes.

The couples meet and make out. 

Well, one couple does, guess who?

The other, gapes and wonders.

"I want that," whispers Carnie,

tears in her eyes. Oh, Carnie.

She deserves so much better.

"I know you're needy," says Rob.

"Everyone needs affection,"

says Tracey's husband, who can't

believe how lucky he is.

They will carry on, scouring

and raising their four kind sons.

Carnie, thrumming Earth Goddess,

has mislaid her acolyte.