Thursday, January 12, 2012

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Flavor Flav/Dee Snider

What could be more apropos than a poetry recap of this 80s-centric episode of Celebrity Wife Swap, featuring the Flavor Flav and Dee Snider households? What could be more inspirational than the sweet retro sounds of Twisted Sister and Public Enemy? I'm going to attempt my first heavy-metal rap lyrics for the recap here. I've got my rhyming dictionary in hand and I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? Yeah, we're feeling it.

Dee Snider is best known as the lead singer/hair and Lycra-spandex man in Twisted Sister. He met his future wife, Suzette when she was 15 years old. Eww. But they've been together for 35 years, so yay! They have four kids, teen-ager age to late 20s. Suzette runs the Snider household with an iron but loving hand, fixing up the house, cooking the meals, cutting her kids' and their dogs' hair, being a lover and a wife. Don't mess with her. She can caulk and power-wash a deck in a skin-tight tank top. I really think she should've been fronting a band in the 80s, but that's just my opinion.

Flavor Flav is the self-proclaimed World's Best Hype Man. He loves hanging out with friends all day, greeting fans wherever he goes, continuing to wear large clocks around his neck, compulsively talking business on his cell phone, and going bowling. The bowling is pretty endearing. I mean, who among us has such passion for bowling? I do, actually. I think bowling is a fun family activity. The problem is, Flav never takes his family bowling.

In fact, he and his fiancé, Liz, don't do many outings as a family at all. Rather, they're doing their personal activities, individually. Liz's gig is to hand their adorable four-year-old son over to her mom who is also her paid nanny for seven hours a day so she can read self-help books, crochet, or go gambling. Her teenage son is the responsible, handsome and appealing member of the family. Unfortunately, it's not celebrity teen-ager swap.

And now, give it up for Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav

The Sniders are pretty hyper
combo inner-city hipster
and suburban hesher.
Trucker hats and mohawks
Suzette's on deck with her caulk
which also needs a power wash.
An adventure of intensity
for this shapely queen bee

The Flavs are kind of hazy
Laid back and lazy
Flav's off with friends, bowling
while Liz just does her own thing
Grandma's watching the baby
Is that the way things should be?
There's no predicting Flavor Flav
who has been known to misbehave.

There's no stopping
two wives from swapping
Celebrity households on TV
For this I got a college degree?

Suzette's being a jerk
Saying Las Vegas is so ugly,
this house could use some work.
But she's having fun with the family
Flavor's involved.
They even trampoline.
How come he's not off bowling?
And could he please stop always phoning?

It's frickin' disrespectful and rude
Like some selfish frat-house dude.
Suzette will have her say
but first she must crochet
and sit around like furniture
while Flav goes about his day
At least there's family bungee jumping
along with annoying public star-humping

The Sniders have tons of energy
as long as Liz is their employee.
She's rubbing gel in one son's hair
while a teenage daughter's music blares
from somewhere down the stairs
and dinner's on for eight
which no one knows how to make
Pizza take-out! Go aheeaaaaad!

Rule-change day!
Liz goes on vacay.
The Snider men are dismayed
they'll be power-washing today.
With a lesson in crochet
in the heavy-metal way.
But it's not so bad, they say,
to be gambling protégés

But Flavor's so uncool,
disappearing like he's prankin',
so Suzette feels like a fool
and says that Flavor needs a spankin'.
Rule one is more family time
Sky-diving's on the schedule
We pause this poem briefly
for a word from Scrubbing Bubbles.

We're back and Suzette's pissed
She feels like she's been 'dissed.
She wants Flav off his cell phone
and to act like he is full-grown.
But Flav's a cheery narcissist.
I fear these two can't coexist
I am running out of gas
as Suzette shouts, "kiss my little white ass!"

Go aheeeeaaaad!

The Sniders are a love-fest.
They've passed this reality-TV test.
The deck looks great, there's hugs and kisses
They all can't wait
with crocheting inner bliss
to see if Suzette and Flavor
were a hit or miss.
I think we all can guess.

Flavor doesn't want to bowl alone.
"Then go with us!" Suzette moans.
Then cries with deep despair
as Flav adjusts his cap and stares.
He played her like a piano
and it seems he does not care.
Be sure to check with Geico
for your insurance, and compare!

Suzette leaves for a hotel
Flavor Flav's put her through hell.
Talking on the cell phone
like a rude dumbbell.
And sending the baby away
on Suzette's big family day.
This whole deal's tankin'.
But still there is no spankin'.

Reunited and Suzette screams.
Every ABC producer's dream.
While Liz is talking, Flav's cell-phone rings
There's commotion and general squawking.
Dee sees his wife lit up and it's strange
I hope Flavor Flav can change
It's doubtful, hey, but wait.
He will not accommodate fans while with his family.


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