Valentines for Real Life

Real life—real love situations. Anyone can give a mushy, sentimental Valentine. It takes GUTS to face real-life love issues HEAD-ON. These Valentines are here to fill a Valentine's Day void. Click to enlarge, print, and give. Then watch the sparks fly! Valentines for all occasions. Even crappy ones.

You drive me crazy! Not in a good way.

Fed up? Give an existential Valentine to the world at large. It'll make you feel better. Maybe.

Having second thoughts? Communicate effectively with this exclusive design. Then run like hell.

Proclaim your voyeuristic desires with this lovely Valentine. No time like the present.

A Valentine threesome! More to love!

Be very honest about your feelings this Valentine's day.

Relationships aren't over 'til they're over. Cut your losses, sister. He ain't gonna change.

Polyamory deserves its day too!

Yes, Valentines for ALL occasions!

Secret Hearts Comics - Reach for Happiness! No. 121, July, 1967

It's vintage romance comics time once more. Today's entry is unusual (at least to me) because it's part of a serial soap opera entitled "Reach for Happiness!" I don't own other copies of DC's Secret Hearts, so unfortunately I don't know how this cliffhanger is resolved. But like most soaps, the pace is so slow you won't miss much anyway. I love how everything takes place in a nondescript town called Danville Corners, complete with nightclub, discotheque, a wealthy part of town, the ever-present "wrong side of the tracks" (apparently near the hardware store), and a seemingly constant swirl of emotional turmoil. Danville Corners has it all!

And now: Reach for Happiness! Episode 12.

Our cover art. Check out the mod geometric style of Rita Phillips, girl from the "wrong side of the tracks." What's she doing with a straight-edge like Dr. Greg Marsh? Let's find out!

Whoa. This is an entirely different mise en scene! Rita is not such a modern Miss after all. The cover was just a ploy! And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Hmf! Will Greg believe Rita's slightly cross-eyed exclamation of love? Pay special attention to Rita's above-the-elbow-length gloves here. There will be a quiz.

One thing is certain: Greg is pissed

Let's take a look at our cast of characters, shall we? My favorite part of "Reach for Happiness!" is that one guy is named Richy Smathers, son of Roger and Lila Smathers, the richest family in town. That's swanky! Also, Richy has a go-go girlfriend named Joanie, who looks a little high. It is 1967 after all.

So Bob Martin is on a date with old flame Peggy Wilder, when in stomps his soon-to-be ex-wife, Brenda. And boy is she PISSED. Look at that body language in the red dress. She dominates the romantic meal-for-two entirely.

If we were to sum up this scene in one panel, it would definitely be this one:

We've all been there, Peggy. Is Bob a complete cad? Is Brenda a dangerous lunatic? Just what the heck is going on here?

Brenda just wants to make Bob's life miserable, that's all. Is she going to bust up every dinner-date he has from now on? That could be a full-time job in this town. Peggy reacts as if physically assaulted. She needs to learn some assertiveness training, stat! Let's sum up this page thusly:

Heh

Don't worry. Peggy learns to trust and believe in Bob, all in the space of one car ride home. They smooch in front of Peggy's house, her lonely sister Karen, watching them furtively. Weird. This results in Karen's only storyline but it's pretty tragic: INSOMNIA.

Meanwhile, at the discotheque on the other side of town... Richy and Joanie are cutting a rug. Wow!, says one of the youngsters on the dance floor, What's the name of that dance, kids? Hee. No comment. Oh, all right, it's called the ASS GRINDER, doofus.

Richy and Joanie are super happy together. They're young, speak in baby talk, and always refer to themselves in the third person. What could possibly be the matter with this relationship? Well, Richy's wealthy family does not approve of go-go Joanie and keeps cock-blocking his efforts to marry her. The 1%—always causing trouble for regular folks!

No matter! Richy's got a plan. This time, they'll elope immediately with no snoops as wedding witnesses. Instead they'll invite the whole gang down to the...wherever they go to get married, I guess. It's nighttime in Danville Corners. Are they located by Las Vegas or something? Nobody says. Anyway, the whole gang agrees to witness the nuptial arrangement and it's on!

Wouldn't you totally want this guy to witness your marriage? I would.

Solid

BUT there's trouble afoot because on the OTHER side of the room sits Dr. Greg Marsh, on a date with Rita Phillips. And he's a friend of Richy's family and he's, well, he's a SNITCH, that's what he is. Yeah. A snitch. The gears are in motion for a wedding take-down.

Look at that lantern jaw—trouble

The flash of lights. The sound of sirens. There'll be no honeymoon tonight! Plus we're shown Rita's ex, dicey nightclub-owner Ray, who is only too happy to suck up to his financial backer and Richy's millionaire grandfather—Wallace Hendrickson. Oooh, the 1%! They control EVERYTHING.

Nice wheels, trust-fund brat

The law steps in (being in cahoots with Danville Corners' wealthy elite) and the wedding is off. Again. Look at ol' man Hendrickson, smoking a cigar in court. Show some respect, you manipulative codger! MEANWHILE, Rita invites Greg home for "coffee," which he eagerly accepts because, although it's late, he's "Not one bit sleepy!" Idiot.

Ray now calls in the middle of romance, setting the tone for suspicion, jealousy and furrowed eyebrows! Look at Rita's gloves—what happened to the fingers on the gloves from page 1?! I tell you mystery is afoot in Danville Corners.

The gloves—what happened?

And check out Rita's full-length shot on the lower left. What's up with her posture? Usually the anatomy of romance comics is pretty technically great (one of the reasons I love looking at them), but this is really "off."

Remind you of anyone?

That's right, the Geico Gecko

 Let's wrap up with a whimper. I do like Dr. Greg's "anger face" in the last panel. Would you date this guy, or even see him as a patient? He looks like a murder suspect. And so ends our thrilling episode of "Reach for Happiness!"

I may have to buy this issue of Maniaks on eBay. Looks good.

Girls' Love Stories - Please Take My Heartbreak! - No. 112, July, 1965

Hello and welcome! It's time once again for another thrilling retro romance comics adventure. Today we explore the twisted, masochistic world of Hollywood stardom in the life of April O'Day, Hollywood Starlet!. This super-charged, two-parter is complete in this issue of Girls' Love Stories, No. 112, July, 1965 and despite its abundance of action-verbs, is weirdly not featured on the cover.

Instead, this rather mundane love-triangle tale of suburban heartache is featured, with blue-screen background (lazy illustration!). I don't know whose editorial decision this was but it was a poor one.

I mean, look at the inside-cover page of "Please Take My Heartbreak!" 

The horse-riding lunatic screeching "Fool!—Don't you know that his kisses are lies? LIES! LIES!" while crazily terrorizing the young couple with her black stallion on the beach of churning emotions would have made a great cover. Perhaps DC Comics didn't want to alienate its reading public with this sordid Hollywood morality tale. Even the title "Please Take My Heartbreak!" has the ring of hopeless masochism in it. Hey, lady, put your heartbreak in the file-cabinet of forgotten dreams and move on. Nobody's put on the planet to simply "take it away" from you, no matter how politely you ask.

So, where were we? Oh yes, Roy and April are aspiring movie stars, on the set of the new Jewel Lacey feature film. Jewel has it all, but for some reason she cannot accept the growing love between her acting underlings that blossoms on camera.

Great use of verbs throughout attempt to describe the rush of infatuation as Roy and April act out their small parts. April is crushed, seared, burned and finally feels her heart turn to ashes as Roy kisses her on the dance floor. She would make a great barbecue-cookbook writer. But wait, she also melts and whirls before the icy wave that is Jewel thrusts herself between them, breaking up the scene with one of her legendary temper tantrums. Exciting!

Nobody wants puppy-love eyes on her set (Jewel is a great role for Madonna, by the way, who's due a come-back on the big screen). Jewel has April and Roy thrown from the set, the director shrugs it off since she has final cast approval. She is all-powerful indeed, especially considering this takes place in 1965. I wonder how many young readers actually related to Jewel and hoped that one day, they would be the ones to throw actors off their movie sets?  Dreams!

April, her dreams of stardom smashed to smithereens, is understandably upset. But the girls back at the apartment throw her and Roy a wild beach party to cheer them up. There's even a portable record player on the sand for a round of swinging dance tunes. California is so awesome. Even the beaches have electrical outlets.

But April and Roy have their own remedy for curing misery and it involves burning lips for a fit of grilled-love fever.

But not so fast, kids! Jewel Lacey has a bone to pick with you from atop her juiced-up horsey.

cookie jar?

April decides to take the proactive approach and simpers her way toward Jewel's fabulous beach house, ready to beg for their roles in the movie.

that's not an ominous road, oh no...

This goes as well as can be expected. Jewel's dagger-like voice, demanding that April and Roy BEG for their jobs, causes foreground and background colors to change from orange to code red!

Meanwhile, back at the drive-in, April and Roy discuss their future careers while making out in triplicate. Roy is completely obsessed with the idea that it could be HIS face on the big screen, macking with a star as big as Jewel. April's uneasy heartbeats are mercilessly smothered by his lips. Sheesh, actors...

Over at Jewel's beach house, a glamorous shindig is taking place. April and Roy are invited to attend in order to suck up to Hollywood's best and brightest. There must be a catch! And there is. Jewel takes off with Roy and shoves April over to her own estranged lover, Gordon Dean. His pencil-thin mustache and white dinner-jacket are beacons of oiliness. Beware, April, beware! Hey, is that Debbie Reynolds over there by the indoor palm? Ooh!

April has trouble fantasizing about her future super-stardom without bringing herself down. "No Kisses For Me" on the marquee indeed. She wakes up from this would-be scenario of prostituting herself to Gordon and tears herself away to find Roy, who NO! appears to be making his own deal with the devil. The devil being Jewel, of course.

Even party attendants like apparent Steve Allen, Danny Thomas, and Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball cannot cheer April up at this point. Show business is a cruel mistress.

But don't worry! Outside on the beach of roiling emotions, who should come running along but formerly ambitious Roy. He claims he didn't prostitute himself either but we'll never know, will we? I mean, how long is he claiming he spent looking for April throughout the house? And who could focus on a nobody like April with the likes of apparent Danny Thomas on hand anyway?

Both lovers are crushed with shame and self-loathing before reclaiming their love and smashing their lips together once again. This can only help their acting. The waves pound the beach boulders for all of eternity and love is rekindled. For now.

Check out the artwork on this ad. WHAT is going on with their HANDS?!

Mutating horror-romance—I would buy that

Teen-Age Love Comics - The Kiss I Can't Forget - March 1970

We're on a romance-comics roll around here. Today's tawdry entry is "The Kiss I Can't Forget," from Teen-Age Love, 1970. What a difference a few years make in the teen romance comic. Most of my collection comes from the mid-60s when girls were starry-eyed, a little naive, a little needy (okay, kind of insane at times), but basically of good heart and pure emotional yearning. Men were square-jawed, interchangeable lunkheads with nice cars, impressively furrowed eyebrows and a steady income. But we've entered the 70s and this story bypasses the summer of love for the summer of jerks. Big jerks. Obvious jerks. And Donna—the girl who can't get enough of them.

The teary-eyed girl in the foreground says it all—there will be few happy endings (ahem).

So Donna's making out with Vic on the beach of sexual possibilities while polka-dot-bikini gal looks on and then...polka-dot leaves with Vic...? Vic promises to be back the next day—alone this time. Donna thinks that's swell. RED FLAG, DONNA! RED FLAG!

Donna remembers with sadness her first and last boyfriend, Jimmy, who treated her like the "kid sister he couldn't stand!" He wouldn't even go to the Discko Deck with her after the dance, and encouraged her to cover up on the beach due to her hideously deformed body, which looks perfectly okay here. Good thing she lost this creep.

Anyway, strange and wonderful things have happened in the past year. Braces were removed, knees stopped being knobby and skinniness is a thing of the past. This is indeed groovy!

Wahoo! Kissing underwater while emitting air bubbles is an excellent way to get to know someone. Especially a someone who emerges from the surf, exclaiming, "I'm starved chick! Let's go over to the Devil's Pit and chow down! Rats! I left my green stuff home! I was thinking about you, Donna, and..."

That's right: it's all Donna's fault Vic forgot the green stuff. But she's a real sport and offers to pay anyway. Vic immediately is compared to a gigolo in a happy sort of way.

But hold the phone—it's Jimmy, out taking a stroll with Wilma Fath. He warns Donna that Vic is bad news when it comes to girls. Donna hopes he's just jealous—the putz!

Meanwhile, Vic gets cozy with Trudi, an old buddy. He kicks Donna to the curb so he can "fix Trudi's car for awhile," warning Donna not to get "sickening" over it. Donna calls him hateful and he threatens to smack her one, to the delight of Trudi, who looks on with a bemused expression. Man, this comic is rough. Jimmy steps in and threatens to break Vic's jaw, telling Vic to paddle down the nearest sewer.

Which he does, Trudi in tow. Jimmy offers to give Donna a ride home. Her knight in shining armor!—who says things like "I dated you all the time you were homely enough to break mirrors!" What a dreamboat!

"You're a terrific chick now, Donna," explains Jimmy. "Every creep in town will be trying to take you places! You've got to be careful" Not with Jimmy though, see? Because Jimmy loves Donna. And Donna, oh, poor Donna realizes she has to be doubly careful around Jimmy, but she doesn't care because this is the first kiss of love, not those other bubbly ones with Vic. This is the real deal. The real crud deal.
 

But what I wanna know is—what the hell happened to Wilma Fath?!?!

Hopefully our next foray into Teen-Age Love will be a more uplifting tale. But don't count on it in "Jonnie Love - No Hope For Tomorrow."

Plus...fonts!