Thursday, January 05, 2012

Celebrity Wife Swap Poetry Recap - Carnie Wilson/Tracey Gold

I apologize up front for this, but when I read that ABC was going to air Celebrity Wife Swap this television season, I felt in my bones that it must be recapped somehow. You might remember Wife Swap, where two wives switch households for two weeks. The first part of the week, the wives follow the typical household rules. Then the house rules are changed by the new wives and hi-jinks, hostility, and emotionally damaging but enlightening chaos ensues (ABC hopes).

I completely missed the premiere, which I think is an encouraging sign for my mental health. It apparently consisted of a preview with Carnie Wilson and Tracey Gold, before commencing with the main event, starring Gary Busey and Ted Haggard as the celebrity husbands. You KNOW I'll be recapping that in poetry form. For now: here's Carnie and Tracey.
Carnie with Rob

Carnie Wilson, despite her career as a singer in the syrupy group Wilson Phillips (known to anyone who's shopped in Ross Dress for Less), is a very funny, down-to-earth lady, who I wish would sit in a rehearsal with my band. Not just so she could teach us how to properly harmonize, but because I sense we would laugh and laugh together. She's married to Rob Bonfiglio, who's listed as the composer of Colonial Times be Rockin' on Carnie's Christmas album, "I Built a Smokehouse." Both Carnie and Tracey seem like kind, reasonable people, so ABC editors made Rob the villain in this episode. Gotta have a villain, or at least a grumpy-grump.
Tracey with everyone

Tracey Gold is best known for playing put-upon Carol Seaver in the 80s sitcom, "Growing Pains."  She's also an anorexia survivor (pitted against serial weight gainer/loser Wilson--someone in ABC casting must have been hoping for body drama, I guess). But I'll always cherish her in the role of homicidal sociopath Darcy Palmer, in the made-for-TV drama, "Face of Evil." I still can't use an airport restroom without thinking of Gold in that film, disembarking from a plane, visiting the airport restroom (as we all do) and then dragging a young woman under her bathroom stall and brutally murdering her in order to steal her suitcase and entire identity, all within the span of moments. That's talent!

And now, Celebrity Wife Swap - Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes, in syllabics of seven. Again, I apologize.

Carnie Wilson, a great gal, 
blanches while reading the house
manual of Tracey Gold,
whose organized existence
inspires a tremendous belch.

Tracey eyeballs sausages
left in a pan alongside
apples marked by baby teeth
in a household abandoned
by form, function, or husband.

Carnie greets Tracey's husband
and four boys, that's right, FOUR BOYS,
all who are dressed and driven
and organized by parents
whose motto is: Never Late.

Carnie's husband, Absent Rob,
composer and musician,
will not emerge for dinner.
His daughters miss their daddy,
like Frank Zappa, but unknown.

Carnie does the laundry and
makes the beds and picks out clothes
and cooks pancakes for breakfast
and is very exhausted.
Tracey's husband is nonplussed.

Tracey watches Carnie's aunt
and part-time housekeeper
keep house as she sits and waits
for Absent Rob to notice
he is a husband-father.

But now the rules are altered
Rob will have to be present.
Tracie's house will have no rules.
Both husbands are terrified,
of dinner, of mess, ha ha!

Dinner is a disaster.
Rob's children cry, Who is Rob?
He is a stranger to us!
Rob ducks into his studio,
guitar plucking to no one.

Carnie's anarchy results
in unmade beds, Silly String,
pink hair and no swim lessons.
The boys live in a Thrillsville
Tracey's husband vows to clean.

End of swap, Tracey's boys will
always remember this time.
Carnie's girls may someday meet
their father in passing in
the hallway between bedtimes.

The couples meet and make out. 
Well, one couple does, guess who?
The other, gapes and wonders.
"I want that," whispers Carnie,
tears in her eyes. Oh, Carnie.

She deserves so much better.
"I know you're needy," says Rob.
"Everyone needs affection,"
says Tracey's husband, who can't
believe how lucky he is.

They will carry on, scouring
and raising their four kind sons.
Carnie, thrumming Earth Goddess,
has mislaid her acolyte.

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