Thursday, October 25, 2007

Halloween is for Losers

OK, not really. I love Halloween. But I stopped dressing up and taking acid some time in my 20s. I'm keeping it for the kids and since my kid wants to be a garbage truck (again), all my costume-making energy goes into making his fantasy come true. He'll be a side loader this time around. It's getting tough to store all these garbage trucks around here. His dream is to one day own a home with a large enough garage to park his real garbage truck, which he will take on his morning route to pick me up so I can help out with the day's load-in. He will let me compact the garbage and his dad can ride along too if he wants. That's what Halloween is all about: fulfilling your fantasy life and getting way too much candy in the process.

I guess the Castro isn't even throwing a party this time around due to all the violence for the past few years. It's sad but there's always been a dark side to Halloween and I don't mean ghosts and witches. I mean people getting way too fucked up and beating up other people and waving guns around and forgetting where they parked their car and having to spend the night in your living room (and dressing like sexy Red Riding Hood--ew).

A lot of costumes are really lame for sure. Are you in a committed relationship? Demo that for the world to see on Halloween. Here's some great couple costumes for the next gathering of your peers.
Looking good Adam and Eve and Pimp and Ho.

Are you single and loving it? No? Girls, these costumes will catch you a man in no time. Maybe even a guy dressed as a pimp (see above). He will be happy to add you to his stable in these fine ensembles.

Hey, border patrol officers are sexy! Unless you're trying to cross a desert by foot after giving your life's savings to a sociopathic con artist who swore he'd get you to the U.S. in one piece so you could pound nails all day on a construction site if you're lucky. Then I doubt that authority figure will be featured too prominately in your sexual fantasies. Nuns are sexy, if you weren't raised Catholic, I suppose. I think if you were raised Catholic, nuns are the absolute opposite of sexy and will always remain simply scary, like a cop. Some people think cops are sexy, but not in a nun-like way. Oh, it's hard to explain. I just go round and round! Lady plumbers are really sexy until they hand you the bill; da-da-dum! Thank you--I'll be here all week. No, really, this lady plumber outfit is fi-i-ine. She's holding a pipe wrench. If you are not turned on by this there is something seriously WRONG with you. Seriously wrong.

RetroCrush features the worst Halloween costumes of all time; all 70s/80s; all store-bought. I was going to feature the Joanie Loves Chachi costume until I saw this:
If you never saw "Small Wonder" featuring V.I.C.I., monotone-speaking girl robot, considered by many critics as "the worst television show of all time" (and costume), then YOU'RE the loser--not me.

Anyway, happy halloween. I'll be maintaining my son's garbage truck costume and its hydraulic lifting system, standing by with a roll of masking tape and a camera. I hope you stay out of trouble and gets lots of candy.

Source: CityRag


Tuckers said...

I sense bitterness, like a fine double expresso.

The Halloween costumes have been all around San Francisco this last week. Already i have seen a dozen stupid straight guys wearing pimp costumes. What is up with these assholes that they think wearing big purple hats, large gold dollar signs and bell bottoms makes them somehow too cool for school. Them and the other 20,000 that will be wearing the same thing. They will probably all end up with the little red riding hood and school girl costume wearers.

I just hope a few find love with a good trannie that hallowed night.

Lisa Mc said...

Ahh, the love of a good trannie--that's what it's all about. I hope the Castro gets through tonight in one piece. One year my roommate went to the Castro, dressed as a severed head on a dining room table and a guy dressed as a priest grabbed the steak knife from her table setting and threatened her with it. He was later arrested on another assault charge, so I guess those guys dressed as pimps might be a better deal all around. Keep it real on Halloween, Pimp Men, and stay away from the priests.

Soup and Song said...

Hi Lisa!

Just stopped by to visit your blog and couldn't stop laughing when I read this entry! Your presence is missed around here. I think I might steal Jackson's idea next year and be a garbage truck too.