Join me now, in a parallel universe, where ANTM dolls (marked down from $16.99 to $10, and featuring jointed torsos for POSING!) partake in their OWN make-overs, tonight on America's Next Top Doll Model...
Hello. I am a reasonable stand-in product for a Tyra Doll (until I license such product myself). Welcome to America's Next Top Doll Model makeover episode. Let's meet our doll models, shall we?
First we have Paisley.
Paisley: How do you do! I'm just tickled to be here! Whoo!
Tyra Doll: Paisley, you look like a little girl going to her first birthday party. We're going to give you a more sophisticated look. One that says: Come hither, now please, just go away...
Paisley: Ooh, that sounds exciting...I think...tee hee!
Tyra: First we're going to trim off all that excess hair...Paisley: Wh-WHAT?! Oh dear lord...
Tyra Doll: Then we'll give you a new weave for the look of glamorous sophistication.
What do you think Paisley?
Paisley: I...love it. Thank you Tyra. But it does hurt my scalp a little... heh heh... (tearing up).
TWO WEEKS LATER-
Tyra Doll: Miss J. Alexander Doll, what are we going to do about Paisley's messed-up weave?
Miss J.: I will be wearing an extra neck embellishment for each girl eliminated. There will be 14 neck embellishments in all...
Tyra Doll: Miss J.--Paisley's weave? LOOK at it.
Miss J.: Shake it around, girl. Looks like a nest of bees got a hold of your head...
Paisley: Ow, ow, ow! It's hurting me! Give me pain killers! Please!
Tyra Doll: Don't worry Paisley. That weave is coming off this MINUTE.
Paisley: Oh thank you Tyra! Thank you so much! (Sobs.)
Tyra Doll: There! How's that Paisley? We're bringing back the Sassoon-inspired asymmetrical bob. What do you think?Paisley: Oh Jesus, lord...God give me strength.
Tyra Doll: Next up--Sienna!
Sienna: Oh Tyra, you're even prettier in person!
Tyra Doll: Thank you. Sienna, you're going short--Mia Farrow in "Rosemary's Baby" short!
Sienna: Eeeeee! Who's Mia Farrow? What's "Rosemary's Baby?"
Tyra Doll: Hmmmm. This is NOT what I had in mind. Jay Manuel? Hand me the scissors.
Jay Manuel Doll: Here you go.
Tyra: Thank you. (snip! snip! snip!) There! THAT'S what we're looking for!
Sienna: (Gasp!) Oh! Oh no! NO!!!
Tyra Doll: And finally, Sidney...
Tyra Doll: Now where is that girl with all the personality? You're fading before our very eyes! Therefore, a little color will make you stand out. There! You are straight out of an old Hollywood movie!Sidney: But those films were in black & white. Mother-fu(bleep!)
Tyra Doll: THERE'S the spunky girl I remember. Turn around. Let's have a look at the whole picture.Sidney: I will sue! Once my roots come in, so help me, I will sue!
Miss J. Doll: It does wonders for your profile.
Tyra Doll: Own it, Sidney, before it owns you. Jay Manuel! How did the girls take to their make-overs in the salon?Jay Manuel Doll: Not bad, Tyra. Some tears, several suicide threats, but with the extra grief counselors you provided, everything was pretty much under control.
Tyra Doll: Excellent! Everyone, remember--stay fierce!Someone! Give me a fierce finger-wave, c'mon!
Production Assistant Doll: Oh OK, (waving), there you go.