Sunday, November 27, 2011

She-Demonic Films That Demand to be Remade

Hollywood struggles to compete with today's media glut, frantically grasping at 3D anything, features based on Saturday-morning cartoons, comic-book superheroes no one cares about (Thor?)--even going so far as to put Adam Sandler in a dress and calling her Jill. Pathetic!

Hollywood, I got your back. These classic frightmare films are begging for remakes. Just don't take my golden ideas from me without compensation. All are copyright-protected by a personal lawyer friend who is not afraid to spend my money in a court of law!

She Demons (1958) - I think this would be a great remake starring sock puppets. The Muppets are back. Team America with its cast of marionettes is a cult classic. Sock puppets are due! And they can look evil when unraveled just right, especially while wearing a Nazi armband.

The Astounding She Monster (1957) - This one's got it all: a radioactive alien woman in a skin-tight bodysuit, urban bootleggers hiding out in a cabin in the woods, and very frightened forest creatures. I'm thinking: Disney musical 3D animation remake. With penguins. Make sure there's penguins. Miley Cyrus would be great in the role of the She Monster voice. Especially while smoking the legal substance, salvia.

The She-Creature (1956) - Lindsay Lohan, look no further for your come-back role. Lots of screaming and love triangles and some kind of monster with deely-bobbers on its head--this has got it all AND THEN SOME. Actually it looks kind of tame, so I'd add CGI elements such as brain-sucking leeches that morph into robots that blow up stuff. Miley Cyrus can be the voice of the leeches. I've got big plans for Miley Cyrus as you can tell.

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) - The 50-foot woman is the role of a lifetime and Courtney Love needs a career boost. Coincidence? No, just forward-thinking on my part. Who is better equipped to be bigger than life, to fill the screen with rage and destruction? There will be no audition. Ms. Love, you have the part. I'll tell you who isn't cut out for this kind of dramatic role, Daryl Hannah.

Village of the Giants (1965) - Some kid-genius's scientific formula has caused the village teen-agers to grow to monstrous proportions. Wearing homemade bikinis, they're compelled to go-go dance in slow motion in front of the horrified townspeople, like some kind of demented episode of American Bandstand! I'm thinking: Shia LaBeouf, Rumer Willis, Peaches Geldorf, some of the cast of "Gossip Girl," and Miley Cyrus would be perfect for this remake. I'd throw some penguins in there as well. Maybe they're lab penguins, who sing and dance after ingesting some of the formula. I don't know--the creative possibilities are mind-boggling. As is most of life.

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