Monday, March 02, 2015

Celebrity Gossip Roundup

I won't mince words as if they were cloves of garlic on a chopping block—our numbers are lagging here at Captive Wild Woman Blogspot Dot Com. There's a downshift and a tide-turning of eyeballs-to-pages according to Google Analytics. Rather than lament the days of Internet yore, before advertising and slideshow click-bait flooded the Internet wilds with crappiness and suckage, we here at CWW Central are embracing the problem. And as usual, the solution is obvious: celebrity gossip.

Who can resist a roundup of celebrity gossip? Not I and certainly not you, coveted readers. The celebrity is a magnet to us regular-folk, a stand-in for our hopes, dreams, and nightmares. The popular kids—what are they up to? I'm glad you asked.

Harry Styles Looks Sad

Doesn't he though? I wonder what's going on.

There's just this overall cast of ennui on display. He could be tired—touring will do that. Or hungover and dehydrated. Or depressed, or experiencing low endorphin-release from lack of tattoos that day. All I know is Harry Styles is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. And his pants are so tight—that's gotta hurt.

Lindsay Lohan Just Keeps On Keeping On

Everybody's got an opinion when it comes to Lindsay Lohan. The fact is, she's still chugging away and you're reading about her (again) on the Internet, so who's the winner in this scenario? 

That's right: Lindsay. No matter how many times she drives over someone's foot, is arrested, is put on probation (again), is given community service, or is laid off from a reality show and chewed out by Oprah, she just keeps on keeping on. She even gets to live and work in London, And where are you, and where are you working? Odds are, not in London. So always remember: Lindsay wins. Every time. In every way. We're not the winners. She is.

Nobody Said Anything Too Stupid on the Internet Today

Nobody then gave a lame apology and nobody got that angry about any one specific unfortunate incident. It was a good day on the Internet, overall.

North West Could Give Two Rips

North West is not yet two but is already being proclaimed a fashion icon by the press. And here's what you need to know: North West could give two rips. She's a baby and babies care about few things. Some of which involve clean diapers, adequate food, cuddles and emotional bonding in general, and maybe a special blankie or nightlight for bedtime.

Babies don't give two rips about materialism, craven attention-mongering and our stupid obsessions with status and merchandising. That's because babies are pure little people with open hearts and ready minds, ready to fully engage in the world around them. I have to go retch in a corner now. Excuse me.

This Mourning Dove's An Asshole

Every morning at 5 AM, this (facsimile of a) mourning dove sits on the roof below my bedroom window and calls to its mate. I know it's driven by pure instinct and the will to survive—I appreciate that. But this shit's getting old. Every fucking morning with the cooing. I'm an insomniac, so you see where I'm coming. Sure my kind—the humans—have encroached on local wildlife habitat for centuries now. I get it. With all the pollution we spew into the ozone with our stinking traffic jams and noise from sirens, horns, engines, leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and obnoxious, banal chit-chat, not to mention all the trees we've chopped down to make way for "progress," we're probably a thousand times more of an asshole than this innocent creature of nature. Still, this bird doesn't let up for quite some time and either its mate is deaf or he's just being an asshole. I'm calling it.

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