Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Let's talk about...throw pillows

Now that we're all broke and finally saving rather than spending our money, throw pillows are going through some kind of design resurgence. Interior decorators eager to push some product, ANY product on us, especially now that we're "nesting" more than ever, have hailed the throw pillow (and paint--they're always telling us how cheap it is to paint--not true, but that's another post) as an "essential component" in your decorating schema.

As someone who suffers from a dust-mite allergy, throw pillows to me just look like comfy condominium complexes for the microscopic vermin. But now that I've moved into a neutral-toned (i.e., beige) rental and I can't deal with painting yet, I'm starting to re-think my views on throw pillows. Designers are always telling us (never "suggesting," aways "telling") to swap out our pillows seasonally and if we have to buy new storage units and make extra space in the garage to store our seasonal pillows, so be it. ANYTHING for design!

I went to Etsy and tried to find the strangest assortment of throw pillows I could. Etsy URLs are the longest in the history of Internet browsing, so I unfortunately can't link to any of these pillows' sellers without causing severe eye-strain while proofreading. You'll have to search for them yourself. Type "throw pillows" at Etsy. That should do it.

There seems to be a mega-trend of caged-bird motifs in throw pillows. Maybe we feel trapped on the domestic confines of our couches, surrounded by pillow forms and walls that cry out for cheap paint jobs. The images simply mirror our predicament.

"Excuse me. This conversation is fascinating but I feel the need to genuflect to your pillow. Don't mind me--I was raised Catholic! Do you have any holy wafers to go with this wine?"

Sasquatch. Bigfoot. Whatever you call him, I think you'll agree he makes a lovely knitted pillow. Will there ever be a sighting of a female Bigfoot and if so, will she have long eyelashes and be wearing a bow?

You loved the movie, wore the T-shirt, and now you can cuddle with the throw pillow. I wish with all my heart I still had my vintage Hanson T-shirt. It never occurred to me to recycle it in this manner. Snugly.

Gotta include a poodle.

These animals are listed as "cute" by the seller. But I BEG TO DIFFER.

Look at this smarmy little pony. As my Grandma Tocha used to say, "He thinks he's it."

Giant uterus pillow anyone? Hey, how come no one's sitting on that end of the couch? Is it the giant uterus? You can just push it to the side. What? The female body is beautiful, man. Just get over yourself and get the feel of that plush fallopian tube. Ya big baby.

What else have I got here? Anyone from Oklahoma? Raise your hand. Have I got the pillow for you! This would actually go really well with my tacky vintage collector plates from all over the continental United States.

You don't see enough walrus decor these days and that's too bad. Remedy the problem with this dignified fellow. Blubber, tusks and ascots are all making a come back. So I hear.

I could easily become one of those older ladies who collect owls if I could start off my collection with this hand-drawn guy. So cute! Owls are the perfect bird for older people because we think of them as "wise" and that's what we aspire to as we age. Ultimately, as long as owls keep the rodent population down, they're doing their job on the planet. That is really why we secretly admire owls.


el space vato said...

McElroy, you're killing me! You are truly a genius!

Tuckers said...

RE: Female Sasquatch. Won't it be a cross between the classic Sasquatch profile on the pillow and the mudflap girl?