Thursday, February 17, 2011

The HGTV Drinking Game

Now that I'm (almost) over my three-week cold, it's time to drink! Coffee and alcohol are at the top of my list. What could be a more festive celebration of good health than playing a round of the HGTV Drinking Game?

Perhaps some of you don't watch HGTV, but for those of us who do, we know it's the equivalent of an entertainment tranquilizer with very few bad side effects. The worst outcome from watching marathon sessions is a craving to watch even more, and then you might notice your brain-waves altering to include desires you've never experienced in your life. Such as, owning a cookie-cutter house in a new development with a nearby park and all the amenities; tearing out your entire kitchen as a first do-it-yourself project; and an obsessive need to find just the right throw pillow.

Let's tune in and raise a glass. Grab your friends because you love to entertain and gather around the flat-screen TV (mounted above the mantel for streamlined sophistication). Here we go.

Drink any time the following occurs:

1.) A young couple insists on having a bigger kitchen so they won't keep bumping into one another when they cook.

2.) A couple insists on having double sinks in the master bath so they won't keep bumping into one another when they get ready for work.

3.) David Bromstad says a room he's designing is going to be really special.

4.) A designer tells a homeowner to bring the outside in.

5.) A designer claims that something they designed will make the room pop.

6.) Mike Holmes insists that this won't be a home inspection; it will be a Holmes inspection.

7.) Mike Holmes shakes his head and reassures a homeowner that this time we'll make sure to do the job right.

8.) A decorator buys a chandelier for ten dollars at a garage sale and turns it into something elegant and exciting.

9.) Candice Olson does something self-effacing.

10.) Genevieve Gorder manages to look smug yet humble.

11.) A host declares that a house isn't big enough for a family's growing brood.

12.) Anyone says the words granite counter tops.

13.) Anyone says they love to entertain.

14.) A doorbell rings.

15.) A prospective home buyer insists that a kitchen or bathroom will have to be updated.

16.) Anyone describes a room as light and airy.

17.) Anyone says wow. Drink twice for wow factor.

18.) Anyone mentions hardwood floors. Drink twice for the word laminate.

19.) Drink three times if a potential home buyer desires a man cave.

20.) Drink the whole glass if a potential home buyer expresses a desire for a room exclusively ordained for scrapbooking.

Of course, if you just want to get full-on plastered, forgo all these rules (or triggers if you will) and simply drink whenever a commercial or HGTV promotion comes on. You'll be on the floor within 30 minutes, guaranteed. Maybe you should consider installing that vomitorium you were thinking about. After all, you love to entertain!


Anonymous said...

Lucky you, almost over your 3 week cold. I got that nasty flu about January 10th, and I'm also 'almost' over it, too. When will I ever stop coughing? Worst I've had in a good decade. So sick of it. And yes, the alcohol. Please let me drink with fervor again. Something about this cough that inhibits my enthusiasm for it. Not sure I have the necessary stamina for the Gang of Four tomorrow at the Filmore, YES, one of my fave bands playing on my birthday, and I might not have the energy for it. I hesitate to do anything that might prolong the cough one extra day.

Miss Lisa said...

Update: the three-week cold has officially become a four-week cold. Beware, healthy people! Take good care of yourselves and don't catch this cold! Hope you got to the show on your birthday, Anonymous. I know that dilemma very well, having just missed Camper Van Beethoven's night of playing "Key Lime Pie" in Oakland. More tea-drinking is in my near future and the HGTV drinking game will also have to wait.