Friday, June 01, 2012

The Hipster's Guide to Shopping at JCPenney

That's right—you're a hipster with some disposable income and you want to support JCPenney (or JCP as they're known currently), right? WHAT? This isn't an alternative universe, although it may feel that way to you, dear hipster.

JCPenney is in the process of making themselves seem like a more relevant shopping destination. To this end, they hired Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson. Good plan, yes? Except along came One Million Moms who claimed they would boycott JCPenney for hiring a gay spokesperson. This falls under their ignorant bigoted bully platform. JCPenney responded that they stand by their decision to hire Ellen, which makes sense because Ellen is a very good spokesperson, on many levels.

This week, JCPenney went a step further, releasing a gay dad ad for Father's Day, featuring two dads and their kids. One Million Moms are now protesting like the legion of shitheads they are, saying they are disturbed by JCP's lack of Biblical values by promoting sin in their ad. I'll tell you what's a sin in advertising: most all of it. But two dads frolicking among their JCPenney goods with their cute children does not fall under this sweeping generalization. In fact, the two-dad ad makes me want to do something to make the world a better place. It makes me want to shop at JCPenney.

And I know you do too, if only to support their openly pro-humanity marketing campaign. But what to buy? Most of you (I'm guessing) haven't stepped inside a JCPenney in decades (their last quarterly earnings back me up). What are we going to get?


You like dogs. Dogs and micro-brew. Here's a visual representation of both, together, for your wall.

Doggie micro-brew wall decor

You like owls. You need a lamp. Why not combine your two interests in one item? You'll need to swap out that blah lampshade, but I'm sure your impeccable taste will lead you to make daring choices with that.

Owl lamp

Say, the gang's on their way over and they're clamoring for smoothies! What're you going to do? Get a Rocket Power Blender I guess. What color will you choose? The gang is counting on you!

A wee colorful blender

Now the gang wants burgers! Whip out this adorable apple-green mini-grill. Some party, huh?

Li'l grill

Is that a brightly colored floral dress I see?

Crazy-ass dress

WAIT! Is that a COLOR-BLOCK dress?! GIVE IT.

I can't actually wear color-block—makes me look wide. But YOU are a skinny hipster so have at it.

GUYS! It's 99 degrees outside. Better put on your beanie. This Pantera one will do just fine.

I have no words

Demonstrate your ongoing man-child status with this Super Mario baseball cap. A real Princess Peach magnet.

Hey Mario head!
A store is only as hip as its graphic-T collection. I think you'll agree, Kool Aid T-shirt fits the bill. Only $7 for the month of June for those on a tight T-shirt budget.

Hey Kool Aid! That's YOU

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