Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Gosselin Saga - YOU do the math

I go back and forth with the Gosselins. A big part of me wants to point my finger and make fun of them on a semi-constant basis. But then I remember their eight children and I think to myself, back off, Jack. Those kids can read now. And who am I to give even more fodder to potential playground bullies with unlimited access to the Internet?

But then Jon or Kate (lately almost always, it's Jon) does something obnoxious and I'm back to thinking: it's on. Ultimately, I've decided to approach their spectacular televised marital implosion from a mathematical angle. We've been doing a lot of math around here lately and it seems to be the only objective way to approach this particularly vexing problem: how to get Jon & Kate out of the media (and my life) forever. All answers hopefully will lead to null set, and a more peaceful Jon & Kate-less existence for all.

First, The Gosselin Formula for Unmitigated Disaster. We will build from this formula from here on in.

Let's take a look at the greater-than/less-than product endorsement ratio skew that exists between the Gosselins. Because Kate can string several sentences together in a coherent fashion, and because her kids are appealing to the public, she remains the bread-winner of the family. Jon's endorsement deals fall short.

Speculation for future endorsement deals still favor Kate.

If Jon wants to equal Kate (thus cancelling out her greater earning potential), it will have to be in the dating arena. The following data plot lines show Jon's most current relationship data in conjunction to Kate's potential relationship data if she were to pursue relationships of inverse proportions to Jon.

Word problems. Pencils ready? And begin.

Throughout the 1930s and 40s, the Dionne quintuplets by being put on display, made millions of dollars for the government of Ontario, their biological parents, and caretakers. They would not get claim to any of their earnings until 1998 when they reached a monetary settlement with the Canadian government. The Gosselin sextuplets and their twin sisters have attracted millions of viewers to TLC. How many decades in the future will it take for them to reach an amiable settlement to regain their privacy and sanity?

A.) 4-6 decades
B.) 8 decades due to appeals
C.) Oh please. As if.

Kate claims that Jon has taken $250,000 from their joint account. Jon claims he did no such thing and that he earned the money. If Jon's attorney can't legally represent Jon in the state of Pennsylvania, what happens when Kate tries to pay the electric bill?

A.) I need a drink.
B.) I need to throw out my television and computer.
C.) Wait a minute, why should I sacrifice? They're the assholes!

Jon claims he loves his girlfriend, Hailey, more than he loved his wife, Kate. He also said in a televised interview that he despises Kate. If love is N, how much more does he love Hailey? Show your work.

A.) N x 0 = 0
B.) N + other girlfriends on the side x 0 = 0
C.) This man is a nitwit, therefore he = 0


Tuckers said...

Well thanks at least for getting me up to speed. I have heard of these two and seen their faces on magazines in the grocery check out line. But didn't know what they were famous for. Now I know they are spokespeople for synthetic fecundity and a prescience of the horrors of the future!

mamiel said...

OK, I spent weeks wondering who the hell "Kate and Jon" were and why I should care about their dissolving marriage that was being chronicled on the cover of every magazine on the check out line at safeway.

Then I found out who they are and I am still wondering why I am supposed to care.

I love the equations !