Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Antonio Sabato, Jr./Mick Foley

It's wrap-up time for this season of Celebrity Wife Swap. It went by so fast! Especially when I think of all the poetry it's inspired for me. What other reality show could serve as my muse? None. Only Celebrity Wife Swap is worthy of lyrical recap thought processes.

And what a finale! World Wrestling Entertainment mega-star, best-selling author, and all-around good guy, Mick "Mankind/Cactus Jack" Foley, trades wives with Calvin Klein supermodel and General Hospital heartthrob, Antonio Sabàto, Jr. It's a night of stars and the women and children who live with them!

This would include Mick's wife of 17 years, former model Colette, and their four children who never help out mom around the house, and their poopy little dog, Randall. Then there's Sabàto's fiancé, Cheryl, a model and self-diagnosed clean-freak perfectionist with OCD issues (uh oh); plus Sabàto's nine-year-old daughter, Mina (actress Virginia Madsen's child--yo, star-studded!), and the couple's three-month-old baby, Antonio, Jr. (Jr. Jr.?).

Turns out Cheryl and Mina are both wrestling fans, so they're psyched about Mick Foley. And Colette, though a seemingly loving wife and mother, is more than thrilled to be hanging around some Antonio Sabàto, Jr. man-beauty, even if it's a temporary situation. When Foley finds out his wife is living with the former billboard-underwear model, he proclaims, "OK--that's a wrap! Everyone go home now!"

Given the epic nature of the show, I think a Sonnet is in order. With apologies to Shakespeare (and everyone else), I give you  

Celebrity Wife Swap - The Most Explosive Reunion Ever.

Celebrity Wife Swap, for now, must end
A season with too many memories to mention
But celebrities will be back to work on their brand
While attempting to lessen marital tensions

Mick Foley and Antonio Sabato, Jr.’s families blend
One, a laid-back mess, wrestling for fun
The other, a compulsive unit where cleaning’s a trend
Antonio’s abs appear in multitudes, so well done

Colette is tired of cleaning for six
Cheryl could clean for ten thousand or more
This is a recipe for potential conflicts
Or else the finale will be a big bore

Cheryl leaves 65 itemized tasks for Colette to do,
Six pages of notes on the refrigerator door
Colette has left nothing for Cheryl but doggie doo
On the luxurious tile of her kitchen floor

And that bothers Cheryl who likes everything just so
Dirt and clutter are like a pressure-cooker for her, Oh-Ho!

Colette takes care of the baby; Mina has chores and gymnastics
Antonio takes his shirt off for car-washing and workouts
And this causes Colette to be slightly lovesick
But she worries about Mina’s type-A-schedule and burnout

She’s seen kids like this, rebel and turn to drugs
Why can’t the family relax and chill for a bit?
She’s being realistic, and not a bit smug
But at least she doesn’t have to clean up dog shit

Cheryl is living in housekeeping purgatory
The kids never help and Mick’s always at work
He needs a make-over in this edited love story
Will Cheryl come through for the ABC Network?

Rules-change day! Colette says: time-out for some fun
Cheryl makes a list of chores to complete
Antonio’s not sure and appears to be stunned
While Mick’s kids complain like the 1% elite

But it all works out in the end, as usual
Slobs clean up their mess and compulsives have a ball

There are barbecues and miniature golf
Tidiness and walks on the beach
Dance lessons, dental work, and Mick’s new coif
Celebrities really are just like you and me

But reunion time is filled with strife
Cheryl feels attacked for her perfectionism
Perhaps there is jealousy over Anotonio’s new wife
Or OCD has contributed to this unfortunate schism

Cheryl feels shunned and profoundly dissed
She storms off in a huff with her mic on
Antonio is sorry, professing love for his lady pissed
But her patience and perhaps sanity are long gone

Cheryl is off to stay in a hotel while Mick and Colette say, pish!
That’s crazy talk, Cheryl. It must be hormones
To leave Antonio, who’s such a dish
And so ends Celebrity Wife swap--with a broken home

But wait! Two weeks later Cheryl’s back with Antonio
Like nothing happened and everything’s fine – Oh-Ho!

Relive this season's Celebrity Wife Swap poetic moments...if you dare!

Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers Haiku
Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav (and Dee Snider)
Gary Busey Loves a Good Beef Rib (with Ted Haggard)
Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes (with Tracey Gold)


Anonymous said...

I can't believe how Cheryl reacted drama queen wannabe with a serious mental disorder she needs some proffessional help! One thing I did find strange besides Cheryl's behavior was on the show they say Antonio has " 2" children...uhhhh he has 3 a daughter Mina and TWO SONS baby Antonio and a 17 year old son WTF? It's ironic how they failed to mention that.

Soup and Song said...

Wow, I've never seen the show but I sure do love your poem! And the latest animated gif! Who is that? What is that? Love it!!

Miss Lisa said...

The gif is of the wonderful Bill Haverchuck, getting down and funky in "Freaks & Geeks," the greatest one-season television show, ever.

Anonymous said...

What a total nightmare of a woman and she calls herself a christian. He married Cheryl a few days ago. I agree with previous comment about his 17 year old son Jack (Mom is Virginia Madsen) why didn't he admit to him??? Very strange!

Miss Lisa said...

A show like this needs consent to broadcast about a family member. If Antonio's son wanted nothing to do with this show, the network won't go out of their way to mention him, perhaps due to time constraints, or wanting to create a smooth storyline. It is weird.

I didn't know the Osbournes had another daughter until she was written about in the media some time after their reality show was on the air. I still don't know much about her. Good for her.