Friday, December 14, 2012

A Very Hipster Christmas

You can wear all the skinny jeans you want, grow facial hair down the front of your neck and pose away, chain smoking your lung cells into tar-encrusted oblivion, but you CAN'T STOP CHRISTMAS. It arrives every year and there's no avoiding its sentimental, consumer frenzy of a religious traditional parade-route Santa Claus and birth of Jesus celebration. It's bigger than all of us put together and all the irony, detachment and smug self-destructive behavior won't save you from its red-mittened grasp.

But don't worry. I'm here to help. I was once young and detached too. How can you make Christmas more bearable, more relatable, more cool? You can't. But you can fortify yourself with supplies. Hip supplies that cost money that make you seem cool at Christmas. And isn't impressing your peer group with the right material goods what it's all about? Of course it is!

After you've watched Bad Santa for the umpteenth time, it's time to go Christmas shopping! Yes, if you grew up in a Christian household, you can't avoid it. Sorry! Purchasing gifts is the unavoidable Christmas spirit, but have it YOUR WAY.

Your niece likes dolls but dolls are so 19th century! Well, just go with it and buy her a Monster High Robecca Steam (Punk) Doll. Start her on the road to expensive in-group hobbyism early.

Robecca Steam doll is a robot with gear-shaped eyes and knees that bend both ways—if only we could be so cool!

Someone you know just had a baby. The birth of a baby is the beginning of the end of cool detachment. Nothing says "involved" like diapers and spit-up. Just get the baby this garbage truck plushy (on clearance!) and be glad someone else is willing to carry on the human experiment.

What could be more cuddly than a New York City garbage truck?

What about Mom and Dad? They made you a lot of meals over the years and maybe even pay your rent now. You owe them. How about a Jesus toaster, in keeping with the season.

Now that shopping's out of the way, it's time to decorate! Better grab that overpriced Hammacher Schlemmer aluminum tree before they're all sold out. The vintage dealers' trees are long gone by now. You gotta be in it to win it when it comes to mid-century holiday design.

Ornaments and obligatory color wheel not included

It's time to hang your gambling, alcohol, and smoking ornaments. That's the spirit(s)!

Speaking of spirits, why not imbibe in a traditional Christmas beverage? The problem is they're so frothy, sweet and soul-warming. Blech! You can try to update eggnog by making it a smoothie, but it smacks of too much effort.

Whatever, Jamba Juice immune-power eggnog smoothie!

Just give in and drink your Christmas beverage out of an obnoxious mug. Here's a few to get you started. Nothing balances out the sweetness of a creamy cup of hot peppermint cocoa like a butt mug.

Or sip your nutmeg-topped nog out of this toilet mug. Makes an excellent potpourri dish as well for year-round enjoyment!

Hot buttered rum is that much better in this recycling-bin mug. Show you care about the environment while you get your socially acceptable buzz on.

No comments: