A week that was truly Lost in Space

This nasty cold laid us out this week. Jackson was coughing like someone out of a 19th-century novel. I had to give him Robitussin and that stuff's nasty. That and an antihistamine helped him finally get some sleep last night, so he's doing better today. But an entire week of our lives was sucked away from us. SUCKED!

I got some mail art done and sketched some birds and tried to finish reading the big book of Conversations with Scorsese by Richard Schickel, but no writing got done. Hopefully this week I will catch up. Catch up to what, I don't know, since I'm completely flying to the sound of my own rotor blades, but no doubt fabulous future endeavors are in store for us.

Meanwhile, let's explore the television saga that was "Lost in Space," the low-budget staple of every American child growing up in the late 60s. By the mid-70s "Lost in Space" was on TV constantly, which was an accomplishment considering we barely had any TV networks or channels to choose from. I never liked this show much. It was too formulaic, but looking back now, that's its charm. Nearly everyone I know over the age of 35 knows where "Danger, Will Robinson!" and "Oh, the pain!" come from. And the "Promised Planet" episode with the endlessly go-go dancing counter-culture aliens--that's a damn classic.

The cast was very good, always playing it straight no matter how ludicrous the concept. A lot of us kids especially appreciated Billy Mumy as young Will Robinson, who rarely lost his logic-based cool when confronted by intimidating rubber-suited monsters. The fact that Will's parents regularly let him traipse off to parts unknown alongside the creepy, cowardly Dr. Smith was vaguely disturbing to me. I know Robot was along, but how protective would he be? He was built like a lit-up clothing rack on wheels.

One cool thing about the Robinson parenting style was their complete disregard for Will missing out on little league sign-ups and all-star soccer leagues. You should hear the parents of today talking about these all-encompassing activities, as if the future of mankind rests on their 8-year-olds' abilities on the playing field. At least Will's independent upbringing gave him advantages in advanced problem-solving and running away.

Otherwise, the show looked like it was filmed in a big garage space and Dr. Smith was SO ANNOYING. Why didn't they just push him into outer space at some point, like anyone with half a brain would have done?  The guy almost got them killed in every goddamn episode. When would the Robinsons grow a spine. WHEN?! Did being a decent person mean I had to look forward to a lifetime of kowtowing to treacherous psychopaths? What kind of television lesson was I learning here?

I had always hoped as a child that the very last episode would be the one where Dad Robinson left Dr. Smith behind, preferably on the howling banshee planet, but NO--so frustrating. Still, the robot was great. Rest in peace, voice of B9 Robot, Dick Tufeld--a large part of humorous childhood memories.

Youthful Aliens of the Promised Planet!

Will Robinson refuses to "get with the scene" because he's strictly squaresville

"Groovy, man!" - Dr. Smith regains his youth

The series trailer. I think CBS spent more money on this trailer than in three seasons combined. The Robot and Dr. Smith were not originally slated to be in the show at this point.

According to Wikipedia, Dr. Smith was originally scripted as an evil villain who gets killed off early on in the season. As played by Jonathan Taylor, Smith became more of a comical concept that quickly took over the show, causing tensions among some of the adult members of the cast (or "oldsters" as they were known on "The Promised Planet" episode).

Dr. Smith Saying Creature - This is quite possibly the best thing ever to be seen on the Internet.

Let's look at some classic clips from "Lost in Space," including fabulous paper-mâché monsters, Robot B9 being sassy, Dr. Smith screaming and flailing his arms about, and a flying Valkyrie. It was that kind of show.

 Bill Mumy would grow up to co-create Fish Heads.

I had completely forgotten that "Lost in Space" was made into a movie in 1998, starring Matt LeBlanc, desperately trying (and failing) to bust out of his Joey persona, William Hurt(!?) and Gary Oldman (!!?)  alongside a bunch of CGI bullshit. The trying-too-hard trailer is awash with metallic grays and explosive monotony.

Movies You May Have Missed - Attack The Block (2011)

Attack The Block! (shouted in a South London accent) What does that mean, exactly? The Block is a South London neighborhood that's being invaded by space aliens. A gang of youngsters and would-be criminals have to defend their 19-story council estate from untold horror. Sounds good, right? It is!

Writer and director Joe Cornish's first feature has received excellent reviews and is nominated for a BAFTA for Outstanding Debut. It's unusual for a mixed-genre film to be praised so heartily. Attack The Block is a clever and succinct blend of influences, including Alien, Goonies, Predator, and The Wire. It's produced by the team that made the great horror-comedy, Shaun of the Dead, so there are throw-away funny bits throughout the action-horror. And, most intriguingly, it's the film that asks the relevant question: who's is more terrifying--alien monsters with glowing fangs who will eat your head, or the drug dealer on the 19th floor with a gun, defending his turf?

On Guy Fawkes Day/Bonfire Night (a fireworks melee), a group of teenage boys, led with quiet charisma by Moses (John Boyega) are on their way to becoming genuine gangsters, mugging passerby, Sam, (Jodie Whittaker). Their escape by bicycle is interrupted when a glowing object smashes down onto a car nearby. Upon investigation, Moses, who hopes to ransack the crushed vehicle, is attached by something gruesome that tears off into the night. Moses decides that won't stand and the gang follows the creature to finish what was started.

Moses

From that point on--there is action--much action, involving fireworks, sirens, smoke, screaming, frantic running, homemade weaponry consisting of baseball bats and kitchen knives, that scary drug dealer guy with his sociopathic stare, and some really large, fast-moving aliens who cannot be reasoned with.

I confess I'm not a big watcher of modern monster films. The effects are so gruesome at this point, that it's too much like having a real nightmare. I was initially afraid that would be the case with this film--all kinds of gore and calculated jump cuts, but I commend Cornish for his lighter touch. There is just enough blood-letting to alter the emotional trajectory of our main characters, from street toughs, defending their block, to frightened youngsters, attempting to survive. And the alien invasion, on par with the menacing drug trade within their home, is a clever conceit. It's a turf war of galactic proportions.

Extremely unlikely heroes

Balancing out the mayhem is Ron (Nick Frost), an extremely laid-back worker-bee in the "weed room" upstairs, and rich-kid pothead, Brewis (Luke Treadaway)--adding stoner humor and startled reaction shots to the growing menace around them. So include Pineapple Express to the influences list above.

As the kids band together to protect first their block, then their building, and then their lives, they start to transcend their archetypes (stony silent leader, mouthy pest, angry guy, the one that wears glasses) and we see that there are no adults in their lives to help them out--certainly no one they think to call upon for help. And definitely not the police, since the kids are running from the police as much as from the aliens. Potential allies include a group of girls living in the building, two wannabe gangster kids with a squirt gun, and someone you wouldn't expect to join them, but who does, believably, due to thoughtful dialogue and circumstance. It's all a ripping good yarn.

Stoners join in as only stoners can

The cast is great. The kids have thick accents and use a lot of slang. But if you're renting the movie and get lost in the dialogue, just turn on the English subtitles. You may find yourself calling your friends "cuz" and "fam" afterward. Enjoy! They're all really photogenic kids and act so well together--I believed they were childhood friends, going in their wrong direction in a crud environment. As with much science fiction, I have quibbles with some of the plot. Where are all the adults during this explosive violence? Are they that inured to neighborhood violence? Can one police officer notice the alien body count alongside the human one? That's taking incompetence to a new level.

The Block becomes a fantastical place in this story

The effects are low-budget but clever and good fun. The suspense before monster jump cuts ratio was good, so I didn't feel too manipulated with terror--just hopeful that things would turn out all right somehow. A real respect for setting is obvious. The Block is a concrete and cold jungle with dark corners, deserted walkways, harshly lit empty hallways, peepholes, multiple locks, burglar gates--this is their home. It's bleak for children to grow up in, but it's also perfect for defending a monster attack. Cornish's majority-use of animatronic creatures over CGI adds a lot of weight to each scene with his actors. The young cast looks genuinely disturbed and increasingly frightened. It really humanizes them throughout the dark fairytale-quality of the story.

If you're searching for a rollicking fantasy/reality adventure--check this out.

Who would like this film:
-My brother--definitely, with the subtitles on.
-Your cool, adventurous friends, some of whom have been to England, others who have always wanted to go and so watch a lot of British comedy and films.
-Teenagers of many different backgrounds and classes.
-Your roommate with all the vintage filmmaking equipment and sci-fi paraphernalia in his tiny bedroom.
-Shaun of the Dead fans.

Who wouldn't like this film:
-Probably people who read a lot of Jane Austen and watch "Masterpiece Theatre," although that describes me, so there are always exceptions.
-Racists.
-Classists.
-Snobs.
-Aliens.

Oh how I wish that it would rain

Looks like Northern California is heading for a drought season. This is very unpleasant to contemplate. I'm going to focus on all things rainy and hope we can collectively conjure up a more beneficial weather pattern in the weeks ahead.

British Pathé's VintageFashions channel is a go-to place for retro-fashion madness. Check out the incredible Umbrella Styles from the 1950s--every one of them--a must have!

The Temptations - I Wish It Would Rain. The perfect distillation of weather as mood.

Jimi Hendrix - Rainy Day, Dream Away/Still Raining, Still Dreaming, with UV meters for extra nostalgia. Rain as a metaphor for gettin' high and lettin' the world pass byyyyyy.

Why not watch "Singin' in the Rain"--one of the greatest musicals ever produced? Forget the nonexistent snow conditions in the Sierras for a couple of hours while you relive the dawn of the sound-movie era.

Beta Band - Dry The Rain. Dag gum it, Beta Band--we need the rain. But California's gone through this before. I once belonged to a pick-up baseball league and we played throughout five winters of continuous drought conditions before it finally rained for a month straight (like it's supposed to, around here). Thereafter, baseball became a spring sport once more. Eventually it will rain again and we will be all right. (As featured in "High Fidelity.")

Update, Feb. 7, 2012: It worked! It poured all night and into the morning. Thanks, Internet dreams and wishes! Now I can get to work on that book deal, "You Can Achieve Anything You Want If You Just Post About It Enough."

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Antonio Sabato, Jr./Mick Foley

It's wrap-up time for this season of Celebrity Wife Swap. It went by so fast! Especially when I think of all the poetry it's inspired for me. What other reality show could serve as my muse? None. Only Celebrity Wife Swap is worthy of lyrical recap thought processes.

And what a finale! World Wrestling Entertainment mega-star, best-selling author, and all-around good guy, Mick "Mankind/Cactus Jack" Foley, trades wives with Calvin Klein supermodel and General Hospital heartthrob, Antonio Sabàto, Jr. It's a night of stars and the women and children who live with them!

This would include Mick's wife of 17 years, former model Colette, and their four children who never help out mom around the house, and their poopy little dog, Randall. Then there's Sabàto's fiancé, Cheryl, a model and self-diagnosed clean-freak perfectionist with OCD issues (uh oh); plus Sabàto's nine-year-old daughter, Mina (actress Virginia Madsen's child--yo, star-studded!), and the couple's three-month-old baby, Antonio, Jr. (Jr. Jr.?).

Turns out Cheryl and Mina are both wrestling fans, so they're psyched about Mick Foley. And Colette, though a seemingly loving wife and mother, is more than thrilled to be hanging around some Antonio Sabàto, Jr. man-beauty, even if it's a temporary situation. When Foley finds out his wife is living with the former billboard-underwear model, he proclaims, "OK--that's a wrap! Everyone go home now!"

Given the epic nature of the show, I think a Sonnet is in order. With apologies to Shakespeare (and everyone else), I give you  

Celebrity Wife Swap - The Most Explosive Reunion Ever.

Celebrity Wife Swap, for now, must end

A season with too many memories to mention

But celebrities will be back to work on their brand

While attempting to lessen marital tensions

Mick Foley and Antonio Sabato, Jr.’s families blend

One, a laid-back mess, wrestling for fun

The other, a compulsive unit where cleaning’s a trend

Antonio’s abs appear in multitudes, so well done

Colette is tired of cleaning for six

Cheryl could clean for ten thousand or more

This is a recipe for potential conflicts

Or else the finale will be a big bore

Cheryl leaves 65 itemized tasks for Colette to do,

Six pages of notes on the refrigerator door

Colette has left nothing for Cheryl but doggie doo

On the luxurious tile of her kitchen floor

And that bothers Cheryl who likes everything just so

Dirt and clutter are like a pressure-cooker for her, Oh-Ho!

Colette takes care of the baby; Mina has chores and gymnastics

Antonio takes his shirt off for car-washing and workouts

And this causes Colette to be slightly lovesick

But she worries about Mina’s type-A-schedule and burnout

She’s seen kids like this, rebel and turn to drugs

Why can’t the family relax and chill for a bit?

She’s being realistic, and not a bit smug

But at least she doesn’t have to clean up dog shit

Cheryl is living in housekeeping purgatory

The kids never help and Mick’s always at work

He needs a make-over in this edited love story

Will Cheryl come through for the ABC Network?

Rules-change day! Colette says: time-out for some fun

Cheryl makes a list of chores to complete

Antonio’s not sure and appears to be stunned

While Mick’s kids complain like the 1% elite

But it all works out in the end, as usual

Slobs clean up their mess and compulsives have a ball

There are barbecues and miniature golf

Tidiness and walks on the beach

Dance lessons, dental work, and Mick’s new coif

Celebrities really are just like you and me

But reunion time is filled with strife

Cheryl feels attacked for her perfectionism

Perhaps there is jealousy over Anotonio’s new wife

Or OCD has contributed to this unfortunate schism

Cheryl feels shunned and profoundly dissed

She storms off in a huff with her mic on

Antonio is sorry, professing love for his lady pissed

But her patience and perhaps sanity are long gone

Cheryl is off to stay in a hotel while Mick and Colette say, pish!

That’s crazy talk, Cheryl. It must be hormones

To leave Antonio, who’s such a dish

And so ends Celebrity Wife swap--with a broken home

But wait! Two weeks later Cheryl’s back with Antonio

Like nothing happened and everything’s fine – Oh-Ho!

Relive this season's Celebrity Wife Swap poetic moments...if you dare!

Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers Haiku
Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav (and Dee Snider)
Gary Busey Loves a Good Beef Rib (with Ted Haggard)
Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes (with Tracey Gold)

Don Cornelius - Soul Provider

I'm very sad about the passing of Don Cornelius, apparently of suicide. This man had a profound effect on my upbringing in the then white-bread deep East Bay. Although I was surrounded by infinite amounts of white people and their homogenized ways, my cousins were living in more urban environs and all of us bonded over Soul Train. Don Cornelius helped my more isolated suburban friends to have a broader musical background than if they had listened to only top-40 radio exclusively.

To be fair, top-40 radio was much more inclusive than radio of today. And even more inclusive than Internet radio, which tends to segregate itself into repetitive genre play. Don Cornelius was the glue that bound all the soul happenings of the 70s and 80s together. He had the best R&B, funk and soul bands on his show, as well as solo artists, black and white.

Don Cornelius was a television and music visionary, wearing a stylish suit and interviewing the hottest acts in his low, rumbling voice. He had us all line dancing every week, which was a great joy. He provided much happiness over the years and I already miss him.

Donald O'Connor could do it all

Look at him go! He boozes it up, explains the situation in sing-song tradition, destroys a glockenspiel, and tap-pops the life out of a plethora of balloons. Donald O'Connor could do it all. Truly a charming fellow.

Songs of Disappointment and Misgiving

Disappointment and misgiving are the universal consequences of living your life. Soften the blows with song.


Gene Pitney - Town Without Pity. Don't judge Gene for his slightly creeper demeanor here. The town did this to him. The town without pity. Some of you will understand and I hope you got out of there, man.

Skeeter Davis - The End of the World. The ultimate anthem of the deeply depressed. The studio recording is haunting and will somehow make you feel better, bubby.

Dolly Parton - Jolene. It's a foregone conclusion that Jolene will be taking Dolly's man. But what a lovely plea. He wasn't worth it.

Peggy Lee - Black Coffee. The guy didn't call. You know the type. Is that all there is?

Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang. No, Nancy--don't get involved with that gun nut! Too late. Damn.

 

The Temptations - Papa was a Rolling Stone. Disappointment in a parent--does it ever entirely go away? I need to start a blog completely dedicated to The Temptations. What a run they had.

Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? If you have to ask... *sigh*

Movies You May Have Missed - Submarine (2010)

Submarine is one of those films I meant to see when it came out, but I have a hard time getting to the movie theater. Hopefully I'll be more big-screen inclined for 2012, but in the meantime, here's a coming-of-age flick available on DVD that works out fine on the home viewing system.

Shot in watery Wales by director Richard Ayoade (actor/writer known for his TV comedy, "The IT Crowd" in England) and based on a novel by Joe Dunthorne, Submarine is a nicely balanced combination of visual storytelling and deadpan teen angst that arty weirdos and their sympathetic counterparts will find worthwhile. At least, that's my best guess. If you see it and feel I've steered you wrong, you'll still be filmically enriched--I guarantee it.

Oliver, attempting to decipher the mysteries of human behavior

Oliver Tate (played by Craig Roberts, with the pie-eyed yet weaselly sincerity of an actual teenager) is at the age when hyper-driven hormones and social idiocy lead to emotional desperation—and comedy! He's a dreamy loner bookworm type with fantasies of importance way out of proportion to his humble social-standing at his school. The era is implied, somewhere in the late 80s/early 90s when hands-off parenting and high-divorce-rate fallout left a kind of Lord of the Flies aftertaste in the memory banks of that generation. Ayoade is careful not to be too specific with the date, which is kind of an annoying indie-film staple. Just pick a date and go with it, directors—it will be OK. You don't have to feature ridiculous clothes and hairstyles if you don't want to. We'll get it.

Oliver is fixated on his classmate Jordanna Bevan (Yasmin Paige), she of the dark pageboy hair framing naughty brown eyes. Wearing a brilliant red overcoat and lighting matches in the woods, one by one, who wouldn't find her enchanting? Unfortunately, she's a bit of a bully, which leads to their early meet-cute, involving a victim, a large mud puddle, and photographic sexual revenge. It's a heady romance in the making.

Oliver's parents, Lloyd and Jill, are played by the subtly charismatic Noah Taylor (who has a solid background in teen drama) and an unrecognizable Sally Hawkins, who was so bubbly and alive in Mike Leigh's Happy-Go-Lucky. Here, she's one drab beige-clad mushroom-haired mom, simmering with domestic dissatisfaction. Lloyd, a hirsute marine biologist, prone to fits of melancholia after getting canned from his educational-film gig, has not been successful in the marital bed for seven months. Oliver knows this because the dimmer light-switch in his parents' bedroom has not been adjusted in all that time. It's these kinds of details that keep the film from flying off into too-airy territory (see Wes Anderson). A snooping only-child like Oliver would make note of such a thing.

Ayoade's camera work is ace throughout. Oliver and Jordanna's romantic starting point is shot on the fly, hand-held with existing light, racing about abandoned amusement parks and train yards, signifying youthful excitement but also emotional detachment. Jordanna's penciled directive, outlining their relationship, is sent floating down a rushing gray river, noting that "emotions" are not allowed, since that would be "too gay." Her pyromania and smirking charms are cinematic but also lead you to believe there is trouble brewing beneath her outwardly sophisticated pose. This all contrasts excruciatingly with the static wide-shots of Oliver's would-be seduction scene in his hilltop house while his parents are on their weekly night out. He's worked hard to provide the adequate amount of candle light and rose petals on the bed—it's pretty gnarly.

On the parallel adult-drama plane, Oliver's parents are caught in a triangle of grotesque proportions when Jill's ex-boyfriend and new-age aura-reader, Graham (Paddy Considine), moves in next door. Graham's rainbow-shellacked, shag-carpeted van says so much about his character. But Considine doesn't rest on that alone, giving Graham layers of icky hair-gelled, faux-karate-kicking, leather-pantsed anti-charm for Jill to fixate on. Lloyd sits by, sipping lemon water and staring balefully, beautifully, into the middle distance, as only Noah Taylor can so successfully do. How Oliver deals with this marital discord while trying to become "the world's best boyfriend" (a noble but near-impossible task for a 15-year-old) is the crux of it all.

This is a good one, so give it a go.

Who would like this film: 
-Film geeks trying to avoid slow-paced, dialogue-heavy films about human emotions that actually avoid delving too deeply into human emotions.
-Self-proclaimed weirdos and misfits and the people who love them.
-Camera people.
-Proponents of intelligence and subtle comedy.
-Noah Taylor fans. Sally Hawkins fans as well.
-Sensitive teens and their adult counterparts.
-Harold and Maude people.

Who wouldn't like this film:
-Probably my brother, although sometimes he surprises me.
-That guy from high school who thought he was so great but who was in reality, a dipshit.
-Members of the American Tea Party.

Squirrel Appreciation Day - how did you celebrate?

Konrad Gesner made this woodcut of a squirrel in the mid-sixteenth century.
Squirrels were much more fierce back then.

Feel free to share your feelings about Squirrel Appreciation Day. I know the parades, parties and festivals kept everyone feeling lively and nimble. Take a moment of quiet reflection and feel free to leave your comments. Peace out, squirrel appreciators.

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Niecy Nash/Tina Yothers

Celebrity Wife Swap episodes are coming fast and furious from ABC, and I've made an insane and inexplicable commitment to recap them in poetry form. But this week's episode, featuring comedian Niecy Nash and former child star Tina Yothers, just didn't inspire me to great poetic heights.

I'm not blaming Niecy or Tina. Niecy's work on Reno 911 puts her in the pantheon of TV satirists I'll always love and respect. And Tina Yothers was great as the deadpan smart-ass little sister on Family Ties, until she hit her awkward years and quit television to sing in a band with her brother.

(Note: this is not Tina's band, Jaded, but a precursor as featured on Family Ties.)

(Niecy shows up about a minute in. Reno 911 is NSFW, just so you know.)

Their families are great, living on polar opposite planes. Niecy's glamorous city life with teenagers and workaholic (and hot) dad contrasts with Tina's country ways with chickens and camping trips with her electrical contractor husband. Everyone learns Valuable Lessons and everyone is very sweet-natured in this episode, with the exception of four-year-old Yothers-spawn, Bobby, who reacts to his substitute mom with supreme brattiness. But do I want to write poetry about a willful toddler from Ontario, California?

Let's go with Haikus.

Tina, Niecy, swap

Child threatens/rooster attacks

ABC reaches

Niecy goes camping

bitching vociferously

Why sleep on the ground
when you don't have to?

Tina watches Gram

doing all the housekeeping

ignored by family

Bobby, a challenge.

Pushing Niecy in the fire

will not endear her

Teen-agers are tough

barely talking to Tina

or one another

Tina hosts dinner

around a table. How quaint.

Gram likes this Tina

Niecy adds glamour

Mani-pedis and tough love

red carpet weirdness

Tina tries horses

Teen-agers overcome their fears

but still miss the mall

Valuable Lessons

We're all learning them, aren't we?

on Celebrity Wife Swap

Cedric Martinez SOPA Protest Moment

Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours to protest the SOPA copyright legislation that could possibly have dire effects on free-speech aspects of the Internet. Nobody can look up anything on Wikipedia today--yo! In defiance of SOPA, I'm staging a different kind of protest: posting this photo of Cedric, former personal trainer and now arch-nemesis of the Vanderpump family.

I don't know where I got this photo. I just found it in a folder marked "misc." Cedric is mysterious that way. Claiming he was a child of a Parisian street-whore on last season's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Cedric was dramatically ousted from the Vanderpump household where he had been living, rent free, for an undisclosed amount of time. Turns out his "abandonment issues" might have been a bit exaggerated in order to take advantage of the Lisa Vanderpump's ongoing hospitality.

When he threatened to blackmail Ken Vanderpump, it was all over for Cedric, on the show and in the exclusive Vanderpump ciricle of friends. But not on the Internet! I continue to get lots of traffic on my site from people looking for an image of the irrepressible lad. And he just showed up again on the last episode of season two, which I missed, because Real Housewives shows tend to give me mental illness.

But I want to take a stand. So here's a photo of Cedric. Have at it, Google searchers. I don't know who took this photo. It appears to be a screen capture, which could make it doubly copyright troublesome. Will my site be shut down due to Cedric-search fever? I guess we'll test the waters and see what happens. STAY TUNED, here on the currently free-form Internet.

Cedric Martinez - successful fame-whore

Beauty is Embarassing trailer

A new documentary about artist, puppeteer and set designer, Wayne White. This looks bitchin'!

Holly Golightly - Your Love Is Mine

Holly Golightly excels at the haunting refrain.



Ike Turner's original, featuring The Ikettes.

Celebrity Wife Swap poetry recap - Flavor Flav/Dee Snider

What could be more apropos than a poetry recap of this 80s-centric episode of Celebrity Wife Swap, featuring the Flavor Flav and Dee Snider households? What could be more inspirational than the sweet retro sounds of Twisted Sister and Public Enemy? I'm going to attempt my first heavy-metal rap lyrics for the recap here. I've got my rhyming dictionary in hand and I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? Yeah, we're feeling it.

Dee Snider is best known as the lead singer/hair and Lycra-spandex man in Twisted Sister. He met his future wife, Suzette when she was 15 years old. Eww. But they've been together for 35 years, so yay! They have four kids, teen-ager age to late 20s. Suzette runs the Snider household with an iron but loving hand, fixing up the house, cooking the meals, cutting her kids' and their dogs' hair, being a lover and a wife. Don't mess with her. She can caulk and power-wash a deck in a skin-tight tank top. I really think she should've been fronting a band in the 80s, but that's just my opinion.

Flavor Flav is the self-proclaimed World's Best Hype Man. He loves hanging out with friends all day, greeting fans wherever he goes, continuing to wear large clocks around his neck, compulsively talking business on his cell phone, and going bowling. The bowling is pretty endearing. I mean, who among us has such passion for bowling? I do, actually. I think bowling is a fun family activity. The problem is, Flav never takes his family bowling.

In fact, he and his fiancé, Liz, don't do many outings as a family at all. Rather, they're doing their personal activities, individually. Liz's gig is to hand their adorable four-year-old son over to her mom who is also her paid nanny for seven hours a day so she can read self-help books, crochet, or go gambling. Her teenage son is the responsible, handsome and appealing member of the family. Unfortunately, it's not celebrity teen-ager swap.

And now, give it up for Bowling Alone with Flavor Flav

The Sniders are pretty hyper
combo inner-city hipster
and suburban hesher.
Trucker hats and mohawks
Suzette's on deck with her caulk
which also needs a power wash.
An adventure of intensity
for this shapely queen bee

The Flavs are kind of hazy
Laid back and lazy
Flav's off with friends, bowling
while Liz just does her own thing
Grandma's watching the baby
Is that the way things should be?
There's no predicting Flavor Flav
who has been known to misbehave.

chorus
There's no stopping
two wives from swapping
Celebrity households on TV
For this I got a college degree?

Suzette's being a jerk
Saying Las Vegas is so ugly,
this house could use some work.
But she's having fun with the family
Flavor's involved.
They even trampoline.
How come he's not off bowling?
And could he please stop always phoning?

It's frickin' disrespectful and rude
Like some selfish frat-house dude.
Suzette will have her say
but first she must crochet
and sit around like furniture
while Flav goes about his day
At least there's family bungee jumping
along with annoying public star-humping

The Sniders have tons of energy
as long as Liz is their employee.
She's rubbing gel in one son's hair
while a teenage daughter's music blares
from somewhere down the stairs
and dinner's on for eight
which no one knows how to make
Pizza take-out! Go aheeaaaaad!

Rule-change day!
Liz goes on vacay.
The Snider men are dismayed
they'll be power-washing today.
With a lesson in crochet
in the heavy-metal way.
But it's not so bad, they say,
to be gambling protégés

But Flavor's so uncool,
disappearing like he's prankin',
so Suzette feels like a fool
and says that Flavor needs a spankin'.
Rule one is more family time
Sky-diving's on the schedule
We pause this poem briefly
for a word from Scrubbing Bubbles.

We're back and Suzette's pissed
She feels like she's been 'dissed.
She wants Flav off his cell phone
and to act like he is full-grown.
But Flav's a cheery narcissist.
I fear these two can't coexist
I am running out of gas
as Suzette shouts, "kiss my little white ass!"

Go aheeeeaaaad!
chorus

The Sniders are a love-fest.
They've passed this reality-TV test.
The deck looks great, there's hugs and kisses
They all can't wait
with crocheting inner bliss
to see if Suzette and Flavor
were a hit or miss.
I think we all can guess.

Flavor doesn't want to bowl alone.
"Then go with us!" Suzette moans.
Then cries with deep despair
as Flav adjusts his cap and stares.
He played her like a piano
and it seems he does not care.
Be sure to check with Geico
for your insurance, and compare!

Suzette leaves for a hotel
Flavor Flav's put her through hell.
Talking on the cell phone
like a rude dumbbell.
And sending the baby away
on Suzette's big family day.
This whole deal's tankin'.
But still there is no spankin'.

Reunited and Suzette screams.
Every ABC producer's dream.
While Liz is talking, Flav's cell-phone rings
There's commotion and general squawking.
Dee sees his wife lit up and it's strange
I hope Flavor Flav can change
It's doubtful, hey, but wait.
He will not accommodate fans while with his family.
Great.

chorus

Journey to the center of my desk

We just got a digital microscope. I mean, it's for my kid, of course, but because it can take photos, it's now for me too. Let's pretend you're the size of a flea, hopping about my desk, looking for fresh blood. What might you find before I spray you with insecticide, shortening your lifespan considerably?

Can you figure out what you're looking at here? (Answers below.) My kid is also receiving his first subscription to "Children's Highlights" magazine so you can kind of see where my head's at lately.

1.) It's a crotch-shot, but of whom?

2.) What in the world could this be?

3.) This is intriguing. But what is it?

4.) How perplexing!

5.) Does this look familiar?

Answer key:

1.) It's the crotch of one hundreds of anonymous extras from the spectacular By a Waterfall scene in "Footlight Parade." Choreographed by the indomitable Busby Berkeley in 1933. From The Busby Berkeley Book.

2.) Why, it's a whoopee cushion, of course! Hours of prankster fun!

3.) It's a close-up of the eye of Tor Johnson, as illustrated by Drew Friedman in his exquisitely demented dot-dot-dot drawing style. From "Tor Johnson in New York" in the collection Warts & All by Drew and Josh Alan Friedman.

4.) It's an unfortunate child model in an ad for yarn, from the 1959-60 edition of McCall's Needlework & Crafts magazine. I hope the other children didn't taunt him too much after this came out!

5.) If you guessed a road map of Bridgeport, Connecticut--you're right! I was just there (passing through) last week. Looks better here than in person, but that's Bridgeport for ya.

Celebrity Wife Swap Poetry Recap - Gary Busey/Ted Haggard

It's time for another poetry recap of Celebrity Wife Swap! Wait--don't click over to your porn bookmarks yet! Poetry is on the wane and I'm just trying to shore up an ancient art form with this week's celebrity muses, Gary Busey and Ted Haggard.

I only know Ted Haggard from his 2006 scandal. As evangelical pastor of the New Life Church (10,000 congregants strong), Ted was caught having relations with a former male prostitute. Crystal meth was involved. As scandals go, it was a big one. He was ousted by the church and even told to pack up his family and move from Colorado, his home base. But Ted and his family are back and have started a new church in a barn on their property. You might think: Hypocrite! Blasphemy! Or all number of things when the name Ted Haggard is mentioned, but he's more than meets the eye.

Mainly, he's an out bisexual now, who welcomes people of all backgrounds to his new St. James church. His wife Gayle, decided to stay with him and they continue to live together with their five children, some who are at home, some who are in college or doing missionary work. They have made an arrangement that apparently works for them. I assume that years of extreme sexual repression made Ted prone to a spectacular mental blow-out, but he appears to be on the mend. Still, how will his family deal with Steffanie, the Jewish hypnotherapist, past-life-living, self-proclaimed "Busey Whisperer" fiancée of Gary Busey when she comes a'calling?

Gary Busey is one of my favorite character actors. He's now primarily known for acting ca-razy during public events, but the American public forgets that he's not merely a former cocaine addict, he also suffered a skull fracture in a helmet-less motorcycle accident in 1988. This resulted in brain damage that is most likely the cause of his impulsiveness and super-high levels of intensity. Although he's always been intense. That's partially what makes him a great character actor. His other gift comes from a weird charisma that is truly American in scope--unpredictable, mocking, and prone to violence, yet somehow lovable, despite everything. How will Gary and his 14-month-old son, Luke, handle the Christian wife of a once-fallen-but-now-rising evangelical pastor?

Let's explore this episode with a combination of automatic writing (a la Busey, who is more verbally poetic than most), and free-verse, representing the possibilities available to all of us through creative growth, personal spirituality and the forgiveness of nearly...anything.

Note: Busey often exclaims excitedly in a high-pitched baby voice, often proclaiming, "YAY!" or sometimes with nonsense syllabic concepts. While Gayle has an unconscious habit of pursing her lips and saying, "Hmmm," whenever things get a little weird or unfathomable. And as evidenced by the Comedy Central show, "I'm With Busey," that has been known to happen in the Busey household.

Gary Busey Loves a Good Beef Rib

I'm Gary Busey.
Prepare for the best, prepare for the worst
  and expect the unexpected.
I've been dead, surrounded by golden balls. Those were angels.
Strangers assume that I must be crazy.
Thirty-one past lives later, that's just something that's a whim,
  you know?

Gary lives with knowledge.
Finally Understanding Nothing: Fun.

Ted muses, He may be a real celebrity.
We're a mistake celebrity.
 Gayle's manual proclaims
Families are worth fighting for.

But you want to live in harmony,
You want to live in peace, says Steffanie
The Haggard family has
specific energies and feelings
that are almost a little sad.

Swap!

Gary and Gayle:
I am a church.
Hmmm
Past-life evolution is true.
Hmmm
Spirituality is for people who've already been
  to hell and back.
Hmmm
Huh! Yay! A bah bah bah bah!
  Wah wah wah!
Hmmm

When it comes to gay marriage,
says Steffanie, The public-faced Ted
says what the public wants to hear.
Although gays, bisexuals, drug users, ex-addicts
are all welcome at St. James,
including Ted.

Native-American Bob attempts to address
three centuries of cultural annihilation
by greeting Gayle with the phrase,
So you're the lost soul.

Gary gets his soul cleansed
with a suitcase full of drum
while Gayle sits this one out,
not sure what to make of Indian Bob
who Gary says is
sincerely, spiritually, on the money
Wow!

Gary eats beef ribs falling off the bone
like Kobi beef from Japan.
Gayle waits to tell her story
But Gary, like most of us,
could honestly care less
And dinner was fantastic
Hmmm

Gayle says, I do really like you
just the way you are.
Gary says, this touches me
very deeply and you come to realize
you really need to hear that.

Ted's daughter wants to spend time
with her dad
and get to know him more.
This simple request
turns into an argument with her brother
who wants to know
why doesn't she just spend more time
with their dad.
This argument, brought to you by
tabloid-fueled scandal fall-out.

The new doors of communication
Hwaaaah!
are opening over coffee
and stroller walks
and simple suppers
and hikes in the hills
where people are told to
listen as well as talk.
Yay!

Gary quotes Don Henley about
the nature of scandal
It's not the Bible, Gayle,
But it's a start.

The kindness of Gayle
was beautiful today to me.
I learned a lot from it.
It's emotional and it's good,
says Gary.
Gayle has taught him to listen
There's hope for us all yet.

God is not ashamed of me.
I'm his son, says Ted.
Ted, you're great, says Gary.

While selling insurance,
Ted heard the voice of God,
calling him back to Colorado Springs.
Insurance will do that.

Gary speaks of Easter
but questions the bunnies,
the eggs.
This wife swap has been
a miracle and a blessing.

Steffanie astral-projected
to Gary one night.
That was very thoughtful.
YAY!

Gary tells us
Everything's alive
Everything's beautiful
It's wonderful to look at
No matter where you look
Hmmm

***
I hope Ted and Gayle make it, those crazy kids. I suggest an ongoing course of dance therapy, particularly the duet from Just Dance 3 for the Wii - "No Limit" by 2 Unlimited. It's strenuous but so is living under the glaring eye of the media, your congregants, and God Himself. Good luck, you two!

Celebrity Wife Swap Poetry Recap - Carnie Wilson/Tracey Gold

I apologize up front for this, but when I read that ABC was going to air Celebrity Wife Swap this television season, I felt in my bones that it must be recapped somehow. You might remember Wife Swap, where two wives switch households for two weeks. The first part of the week, the wives follow the typical household rules. Then the house rules are changed by the new wives and hi-jinks, hostility, and emotionally damaging but enlightening chaos ensues (ABC hopes).

I completely missed the premiere, which I think is an encouraging sign for my mental health. It apparently consisted of a preview with Carnie Wilson and Tracey Gold, before commencing with the main event, starring Gary Busey and Ted Haggard as the celebrity husbands. You KNOW I'll be recapping that in poetry form. For now: here's Carnie and Tracey.

Carnie with Rob

Carnie Wilson, despite her career as a singer in the syrupy group Wilson Phillips (known to anyone who's shopped in Ross Dress for Less), is a very funny, down-to-earth lady, who I wish would sit in a rehearsal with my band. Not just so she could teach us how to properly harmonize, but because I sense we would laugh and laugh together. She's married to Rob Bonfiglio, who's listed as the composer of Colonial Times be Rockin' on Carnie's Christmas album, "I Built a Smokehouse." Both Carnie and Tracey seem like kind, reasonable people, so ABC editors made Rob the villain in this episode. Gotta have a villain, or at least a grumpy-grump.

Tracey with everyone

Tracey Gold is best known for playing put-upon Carol Seaver in the 80s sitcom, "Growing Pains."  She's also an anorexia survivor (pitted against serial weight gainer/loser Wilson--someone in ABC casting must have been hoping for body drama, I guess). But I'll always cherish her in the role of homicidal sociopath Darcy Palmer, in the made-for-TV drama, "Face of Evil." I still can't use an airport restroom without thinking of Gold in that film, disembarking from a plane, visiting the airport restroom (as we all do) and then dragging a young woman under her bathroom stall and brutally murdering her in order to steal her suitcase and entire identity, all within the span of moments. That's talent!

And now, Celebrity Wife Swap - Carnie Wilson Makes Pancakes, in syllabics of seven. Again, I apologize.

Carnie Wilson, a great gal, 

blanches while reading the house

manual of Tracey Gold,

whose organized existence

inspires a tremendous belch.

Tracey eyeballs sausages

left in a pan alongside

apples marked by baby teeth

in a household abandoned

by form, function, or husband.

Carnie greets Tracey's husband

and four boys, that's right, FOUR BOYS,

all who are dressed and driven

and organized by parents

whose motto is: Never Late.

Carnie's husband, Absent Rob,

composer and musician,

will not emerge for dinner.

His daughters miss their daddy,

like Frank Zappa, but unknown.

Carnie does the laundry and

makes the beds and picks out clothes

and cooks pancakes for breakfast

and is very exhausted.

Tracey's husband is nonplussed.

Tracey watches Carnie's aunt

and part-time housekeeper

keep house as she sits and waits

for Absent Rob to notice

he is a husband-father.

But now the rules are altered

Rob will have to be present.

Tracie's house will have no rules.

Both husbands are terrified,

of dinner, of mess, ha ha!

Dinner is a disaster.

Rob's children cry, Who is Rob?

He is a stranger to us!

Rob ducks into his studio,

guitar plucking to no one.

Carnie's anarchy results

in unmade beds, Silly String,

pink hair and no swim lessons.

The boys live in a Thrillsville

Tracey's husband vows to clean.

End of swap, Tracey's boys will

always remember this time.

Carnie's girls may someday meet

their father in passing in

the hallway between bedtimes.

The couples meet and make out. 

Well, one couple does, guess who?

The other, gapes and wonders.

"I want that," whispers Carnie,

tears in her eyes. Oh, Carnie.

She deserves so much better.

"I know you're needy," says Rob.

"Everyone needs affection,"

says Tracey's husband, who can't

believe how lucky he is.

They will carry on, scouring

and raising their four kind sons.

Carnie, thrumming Earth Goddess,

has mislaid her acolyte.